You’re Welcome-ish

So earlier this week I was listening to Pentatonix’s ‘Mary Did You Know?’ and it got me thinking: Did Mary really want the Shepherds and Three Wise men to visit when they did? If it were me, I’m not sure I would want people I didn’t know personally, to be the first to show up. I would probably have been asking for some privacy please. But not Mary. Mary, understood the assignment.

If the Christmas story had played out this year, I can only imagine how things would have gone. From the Heaven-Sent-themed Baby Shower to Mary’s friends and family calling to ask if she’s been discharged yet and/or when are the doctors are saying she’s likely to be discharged. Some would also be doing the: ‘Did you have a C-section or not?’, ‘What was his birth weight?’, ‘How many hours of labour?’ Others would have been doing the ‘I knew it was a boy, I knew it! She was carrying high. ‘ As for me, I probably would have been ‘Quiz Mistress’ for the games at the Baby shower. 😅

When I had my son, we had to stay in the hospital for almost a week because he was going through phototherapy for neonatal jaundice. It was quite a stressful time because it had taken a while for my baby to start responding to the treatment and he did not particularly enjoy being under the blue light. By the time we were allowed to go home, I was sick of being in the hospital (pun intended), and could not wait to leave. When we were eventually discharged, it was already evening because our test results had taken a while to come back from the lab.

My husband and I had decided we would not need anyone to stay with us to help with bathing and caring for the baby, so it was just us at the time. We made a stop from the hospital to grab takeout and then headed home. We were home a little after 9pm but by the time we settled in to sleep eventually, it was well after 10pm. We would wake up, feed, burp, sleep, repeat. We were all tired and sleepy (baby inclusive) but we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Around 8am the next day, my mother arrived with tons of food and groceries. We had discussed with her (ahead of delivery) to bring us food for the first few days/weeks and she didn’t disappoint. She made us green salad and fresh juice (and guys, you need to taste my mom’s fresh fruit juices). She had brought soup and stew too 😋 (God bless this woman for me oo). My husband had an urgent situation at work he needed to resolve so he had to go. My baby was fed and asleep in his cot. I was supposed to go and shower but my mother was updating me on some drama that had happened and I was enjoying every detail. (If you think I give the most dramatic and descriptive narrations, you should meet my mother 😂). After hours of saying multiple times, ‘Oh this time, I’m really leaving to go and bathe‘, only to return and ask my mother ‘And then what happened?’, I eventually left the kitchen to take that long overdue shower.

Out of the shower, I thought of the story my mom had been telling me. I had questions. I would go back and ask her. But first let me sleep a bit before baby wakes up. I was so deep in my thoughts that I nearly missed the sound of the car engine outside. I paused. My husband had said he was just sorting out one thing and would be back but this was way quicker than I had expected. I looked outside. That’s not his car. Who did my mom just let in? Unfortunately one of our front windows was directly to the bedroom so if they looked in that (my) direction, na wa (trouble) for me oo. I dropped to the floor quickly and literally crawled to the window, drew the curtains closed, leaving only a tiny crack to peek outside. It was my husband’s parents coming to surprise visit. 🙆🏽‍♀️

Well this was awkward. My mother had assumed I knew they were coming and came to my door to let me know they were in. I actually did not know they were coming. In fact my husband and I had spoken to them that morning and the way they kept asking about whether I was staying at my mother’s or not, we had asked if they were planning a visit. They said ‘No‘. So I had gone about my business ‘feeling free’ at home and now ‘Surprise!’ I was tired, in pain, my feet were so swollen and they sounded like water balloons slushing when I walked. I wanted to stay wrapped in my towel for a long as I could. Now we had company and I would have to dress. Sigh.

To make things more awkward, I had nothing presentable to wear. I had stayed in the hospital too long and had literally just gotten home and was now settling. My extended hospital-stay also meant my husband had had to bring me more clothes from home so most of my clothes were in the laundry. I had been home for a little over half a day or so, so no, I had not done any laundry. And when my mom came, our focus had been what to eat and not laundry. I did not have anything that fit because I still had a small bump. (No, I did not invest in much maternity clothing.😅🤭).

Anything else I had, needed to be ironed. That meant I would have to walk past them in a towel to get to the ironing area to do that. My husband was not back to help me with that. And my mom was busy keeping them company, so she had no idea what was going on inside with me. Wahala for who no get wash-and-wear clothes oo 😅. Maybe if I had had a cloak of invisibility to walk past them for the iron at least. 🤣

Eventually, I wore one of my clothes from the hospital. It was also the same dress I had been wearing when they visited in the hospital. I had worn that dress so much it was like motherhood uniform. And to make things worse, it needed to be washed. I was so uncomfortable! I made my way to the hall. I paused behind the corridor door, took in a deep breath, managed a smile and walked into the hall with the ‘Ei, you’re all here!’ look. That visit lasted 4 hours….😔

Babies and birth announcements have a way of making people so excited they sometimes even forget that the baby is not going anywhere anytime soon. So for most of us we get lost in all the ‘Oh baby!’ and rush to visit, forgetting that when a baby is born, a mother is also born. It is a beautiful thing to have a community that wants to support you on your journey. But if we could take things slow and easy, we may find that sometimes the help that is needed is not the running around, jumping in and activating superhero mode to save the day. You will be surprised how many parents actually do know what they are doing when the baby comes, and yes, even first-time parents!

Here are a few things I have learnt about how to handle birth announcements:

If you must call immediately, call Daddy, Grandma, Sister or birth partner, not mummy. New mothers need to rest as much as possible and that vibrating phone may disrupt that. If she’s awake and able to talk, you can ask to speak to her. But please let her rest. She will need it for the sleepless nights (and days) ahead.

It is not your news to share. A birth announcement is not a journalism or breaking news competition. Allow the parents to decide who they want to tell and when. The people you tell may also want to call them immediately out of excitement. Goodbye Mummy’s rest time👋🏾🤦🏾‍♀️. Confirm if they are okay with you sharing with specific people. Your inner core is not necessarily their inner core.

Wait to be invited or ask them to let you know when they are ready for visits. Please do not show up unannounced. I know someone who walked right past friends who visited her unannounced, when she had just returned from the hospital, and headed straight for bed. Yeah, real awkward.

Offer help and offer to bring anything they need. Is there anything they need? Food? Something they need from the shop? Ask and see if that is something you are able to help with.

Keep it short. Try to be brief with the visit. You can visit for longer later, when they are ready. Talk less. Congratulate them. Give blessings and LEAVE, unless the new parents want you to sit and wait with them. If you notice that even the nurses are giving you sideways glances, that is your cue to G-O.

Try not to make it about you. This is not the time to judge their choices or make everything about you. Allow the parents to have their moment and enjoy it. You can talk about yourself later.

Observe COVID safety protocols. Cuddles and snuggles are warm but do you really want to risk making a newborn unwell? The baby is now building their immune system. If you do not feel well, even if it is not a cough or cold, wait till you are fully recovered. The baby will wait, don’t worry.

Allow them to settle and develop a routine. Respect their space and privacy. If they are not ready for visitors, allow them to settle. It does not mean they do not love you. If no one is answering their phone, leave a message. They will get back to you when they can.

Above all, just check with the new parents how they want things to be. Some people actually enjoy having people pop in unannounced and stay long, depending on their relationship with them. But do not just assume ‘Oh, we go way back. We’re cool like that.’, when visiting people who just had a baby. When you were ‘cool like that’, had they just had a newborn? 😏

And as for those who like kissing people’s babies, holding babies’ hands, putting babies’ fingers in their mouth…*sigh* unless deliverance please. 🙆🏽‍♀️🤣

Enjoy these final moments of the year. See you on the other side! Ciao!🤗

December 30, 2021 18

Family-fun Holiday Activities (on a Low Budget)

Holiday mode activated!😁

With all the Black Friday deals and sales, you can feel the holiday season excitement (and unfortunately, traffic😓) start to build up as early as November. Then December begins and, in the rush of the holiday shopping, Christmas preparations, and with the one or two invitations you have accepted, you believe you have the holiday season all planned out. Biggest #scam ever.

The busyness of the days leading up to Christmas can be very misleading, having you believe you have it all figured out for the holidays. You even start the when-is-our-office-going-on-break-for the-holidays and the I-hope-I-don’t-have-to-be-at-work-on-the-24th-because-my-days-will-be-packed mood. Then a day or two after Christmas day itself, you realise what you really planned was just meals, a visit to family, and then considered family outing but that’s about it. Now here you are going through the rest of the days not sure what year it is, what day it is, and reacting to social media posts about how Christmas was more fun when you were a child.

No matter how old you are, you can still have a Christmas that is cheerful and filled with memorable moments. With everything going on, pandemic, (and also ‘economic surprises’) and all, thinking of fun things to do by yourself or with your family can be stressful. So, in the holiday spirit of giving and sharing, I am sharing some of my Holiday Activities with you.

The usual…

Attend a Church service if there’s one
Plan a holiday menu with new recipes.
Wrap and deliver gifts
Decorate a tree (or tabletop tree if you have young children)
Visit friends and family
Plan a family photoshoot (if that’s your kind of thing)

Now to my list… To make it more fun, bring out the Christmas accessories; Santa hats, funny glasses, whatever you’ve got. (Yes, I’m a big kid at heart….😁😁😁)

Take your family out or plan a family weekend away. Take your family out of town for a day or two, or weekend. Make reservations to avoid getting stranded. If you are staying in town instead, you can eat out, visit a ‘Santaland’ or even attend the family party in the park (family picnic). You could go out for a late afternoon/ early evening treat; seeing the ‘#LightUpTheCity’ displays would be a plus for the drive back home.

Have a Barbecue. Set up outdoors for a late afternoon to early evening barbecue, if you have concerns about being outdoors in the evening. Alternatively, you can set up to grill outdoors and eat indoors instead. Invite another family or a few friends over if you prefer that.

Have a movie night. Make microwave popcorn or regular homemade popcorn, order a pizza, spread some blankets on the floor (or couch, if you prefer that), get cosy and watch a family-friendly movie or animation. Instead of just sitting there, counting the seconds till your child falls asleep so you can binge on Netflix (😂) try to engage them. Pick whichever cartoon is the Mummy/Daddy-I-want-to-watch pick of the season, and occasionally ask your child what they think is happening; who the bad guy is, who the hero is, why the puppy is sad, all of it!

Have a Game Night (or day). This could be fun for your family and also for guests, if you are hosting. Bring out the Ludo, Monopoly, Scrabble or whichever board games you’ve got. You could also play charades or pictionary with ideas from the story Birth of Jesus and other Christmas-themes.

Arts and Crafts. Make DIY Christmas decorations together. Paper lanterns, Chinese lantern ‘snowball’, Christmas tree mosaic, and other art and craft projects can be great ways to keep your child engaged.

Bake with your kids. Try simple baking recipes: butter cookies, chocolate chip cookies, cupcakes or chips. If you are looking for fun ways to keep your child engaged outside of screen time this holiday season, try baking or cooking with them.

Treat yourself and your spouse. Give yourself and your spouse a treat; you deserve it. Go out WITHOUT the little or not-so-little ones; attend a live event, watch a stage play, have dinner, plan a spa day or couple’s massage for yourselves. Anything to de-stress.

Plan the year ahead. No, not the new-year-new-me mood or new year resolutions, actual planning. Reflect on the year and consider your faith walk, your finances, your relationships. Where are you now? Where do you want to be a year from now? Do you know what God expects of you in the coming year? How do you get there? How will you know you are there? Take time to reflect, be grateful and then plan the next steps. Write these down so you can refer to this list later. Do this periodically through the year.

Sleep! Yes, you read that right. With all the activities and events in the holiday season, it’s easy to get going on the adrenaline and muscle memory, and neglect rest. Make it a point to sleep in late some mornings and catch up on your rest arrears.

Try not to squeeze in EVERY SINGLE ONE of these activities into your holiday schedule. It will take out the fun and make everything feel more like work. Leave a few of these for later or the next holiday season. 😉

Merry Christmas!… May all your Christmas days be merry and bright!

December 23, 2021 6

Getting your kids to leave an event without tears

Drama-free exit from events with children….. if that is even possible. 😅😅😅

The holidays are almost here. Invitations to events are probably already coming in and you may be trying to decide which ones to honour and which ones to decline. If your kids are anything like my energetic people then you are probably not particularly looking forward to family outings and events planned for children. Taking children out can sometimes be a drag. Not because you don’t enjoy being out with your kids but sometimes when you think of all the work involved…..😅😅😅

‘Oh let’s do something with the family this Christmas. Come with the boys’

‘Ananda is turning 5 and we’re having a party. Bring the children over.’

Simply said🙂. The actual process though😓:

Wake up. Convince the mini-mes to cooperate. It seems to be going well. Brush teeth, check. Breakfast, well a few moments of staring into space and doing nothing, but eventually, check. Bathe, check. Dressed and ready to go, ch-… “Wait. What’s that on your shirt? Why of all the times do you pick now to finger paint?” Wash hands. Change clothes check. Heading out. Sees bicycle. Decides to go and ride.

‘Leave the bike. Go and pee before we go.’

‘I don’t feel like it.’

Try at least.’

‘I don’t feel like it. Nothing is coming.’

You give up because you are running late. Everyone gets into the car. Everyone strapped in. Hit the road. Two seconds later: ‘Daddy, I want to pee.’

Eventually get to the event, late of course. You are tired. You manage to smile at your host and other guests. You settle in.

‘Mummy I want this. Daddy I want that.’ (😩) Someone is crying. Someone does not want to take turns. Someone is refusing to eat and you have ZERO plans of cooking at home after all this stress. It is time to go but someone has thrown himself or herself on the floor, refusing to leave. Oh boy! Maybe you should have just stayed home.

My husband and I have also had our share of dramatic exits with the: floor-rolling, screaming-crying antics when leaving events. But we found that, the problem is not just in the fact that it is time to go home, but the how of the leaving. So we came up with this process and so far, it is working:

Plan ahead. Try to think through what the day is likely to be like and then prepare. Pack whatever snacks, change of clothes, swimwear is going to be required. If eating a particular meal for breakfast or lunch is going to be messier or slower, switch it out for another. A hot chocolate certainly goes down quicker than cereal, for breakfast.

Lay ground rules and, the moment your child is out of bed and awake enough to understand you, communicate them to him/her. What is the day’s schedule? Where are you going? What behaviour is expected on drive there? How should he/she behave at the event? This is a great opportunity to explain that actions have consequences. If you behave well, we’ll stay for long. If you don’t behave well, we’ll have to leave early and you wouldn’t be able to explore all the fun activities at the party.

The Entrance. On arrival, before you get out of the car (or at the gate, before you honk) remind your child of the top 2 or 3 things they are most likely to forget. Remind your child that when it is time to leave, they have to get ready to leave or you will not be coming back here until they learn to behave better. This is not with you looking at them through your rear-view mirror. Take off your seat belt and turn around to face your child (if there are distractions outside and you decide to do this in the car). Or step out of the vehicle with your child, come down to their level (squat or kneel) and give eye contact. Then say in a low tone (Not baritone, just low): ‘I would like you to play nice, share, and when it’s time for us to go home, I do not want you crying and screaming. Okay?’ This is also a good time to remind your child of specific COVID protocols they need to observe.

The exit. Now to the tricky part: time to leave. I can’t count the number of parents I know who dread telling their children it is time to leave because of the tantrum that usually follows that news. Sometimes it feels like it would be better not attend an event at all, or attend without your child, than to have to deal with the but-I-don’t-want-to-go tantrum.

One of the things I learnt watching my four-going-on-forty year-old react any time we had to leave a place or fun activity was that, asking a child to suddenly leave an event or place they are enjoying, feels a lot like; I’m being treated this way because I’m smaller in size and younger so I don’t have a say. Children need a plan and time frame to work with. (Getting your child to be on the same page)

First thing is to keep checking on your child: ‘Jasmine, are you enjoying it here? Have you made any new friends? Have you tried the rocking horse yet?’ Your entire communication to your child at the event, playground or wherever else cannot only be limited to reminders on rules, instructions, time to go. (Who made you Compound Prefect please?😂) Loosen up, relax and enjoy your child. It’s not exams.😂

The next thing is timing. The best time to tell your child it is time to go, is actually BEFORE it is time to go (unless in the case of an emergency). Most parents wait till it is time to leave and the expect the child to cooperate like clockwork. Imagine if you had been saving going into the bouncy castle for later and then just when you were planning to jump in, you are told it is time to go? ‘Oh, so no bouncy castle? Tantrum it is. (If you can’t relate, think of your last khebab on the stick falling in sand just as you were about to eat it.)

Now Count down. Before it is actually time to leave, your child needs some heads up so he/she can start rounding up. Children may not necessarily be able to tell time on a clock but you will be surprised how well they understand a countdown.
Communicate when it’s 20 minutes to leaving time, ‘Jasmine, we will be leaving soon okay? In about 20 minutes. If there’s anything else you’d like to play with try to do that now before it’s time to go okay?’

When it’s 10 minutes to go: ‘Jas, 10 more minutes for us to leave. Start getting ready.’

When it is 5 minutes to go: We’re leaving in 5 minutes, Jas. Start packing up. ‘

One more minute: ‘Jasmine, let’s say ‘bye-bye’ to Kodwo. Say bye-bye to your friends.‘ Say your goodbyes too.

When you are actually leaving: ‘Jasmine, it is time to go. Did you say ‘bye’ to everyone already?‘ Then leave. Try not to linger to finish a conversation when you have already gotten your child ready to leave. They may go back into play mode or I-want-to-stay-longer mode. If you can, continue the conversation you were having with your friend/family over the phone or later instead.

As you are getting into the car or when you get into the car: ‘Did you have fun? You behaved very well today, well done. Because you behaved well, we’ll come here again another time.‘ Remember to give lots of praise and encouragement using a high pitch and bubbly tone.

Over time, children begin to understand the process, and then it takes even less and less ‘heads-up notices’ for leaving events. You may gradually just need to start at 10 or 5 minutes and then count down from there.

All the best at your events this Holiday Season and beyond! Do share how it goes. 😊

December 16, 2021 5

Nanny Relationship Dynamics (II)

In my earlier post I shared a few stories on nanny-hiring fails. In this post I’m sharing some things I have learned growing up with househelps, and things that have worked for me when hiring nannies. Hope they work for you too…

If there is anything I have learned about working with domestic helps and/or nannies, it is that hardly anything should be left to assumption. Until you have set a tone with your nanny or help over a period do not assume they will figure out exactly how you would like things to be. A few things I personally found useful…

BE CLEAR ON EXPECTATIONS

Be clear on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, right from the start. If your nanny/help has already been around a while, you can still have a sit-down to discuss this. This is not a you-are-stirring-the-stew-and-she-is-cutting-onions kind of conversation. You need to plan and prepare for it. Spell out the your expectations in detail; leave little to nothing to discretion. People perceive things differently based on their own experiences and you will be amazed the wonders you may see in your home as a result.

SPELL OUT DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES CLEARLY

You may have had an interview and highlighted these prior to employing her but you cannot overemphasise this. It also serves as a reminder to your help so you don’t have your help later asking you if the person who did the laundry didn’t know she needed to hang the clothes to dry as well? ( Yes, there’s another unfortunate story there).

COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE

Be sure to communicate especially when there are changes. Do you have a house guest coming in? Communicate it and again be clear on your expectations. Encourage him/her to offer assistance when they can, expecting nothing from your guest in return. It does not matter if this is a young child spending a few days or an older relative coming from out of town. I know of a househelp who acted up towards a house-guest for dropping a throw-pillow on the floor. Live-ins, after staying with you a while, tend to consider your casa their casa and would not tolerate anyone disrespecting your (their) home. It can be a good thing, if you know how to channel it tactfully.

SET BOUNDARIES AND KEEP THEM

As much as possible, avoid discussing the details of your personal life with your help/nanny. She is not there to be your chit-chat buddy; you have friends and family for that. Your nanny/help does not need to know about your complicated in-law relationship, your opinion on your wife’s new diet, etc. Even when it is just a comment but not a full conversation, you could end up blurring the boundary lines of your relationship with your help/nanny.

PERIODIC REVIEW

Have a sit-down with your help/nanny from time to time. This can be monthly or quarterly as you deem necessary. Ask how they’re finding the job. What has been the easiest part of the job? Any challenges? These discussions are also a good time to address any patterns that need to be changed. That is not to say you must endure unacceptable behaviour for weeks in the name of waiting for Sit-down Day though.

DAYS OFF WORK & BONUSES

It is ideal to discuss days off at the start of nanny’s/help’s employment. This helps you plan ahead for the days they would not be at work. Some nannies, especially live-ins, may say they do not require a day off. This is common when their families live out of town and they consider living with you a more comfortable arrangement. In such an instance, you could consider time blocks. So, during the weekend or a holiday season she can take a break to go and rest in her room without you interrupting.

You may find that things are not working out well with your help/nanny. This is not necessarily an indication that you are doing something wrong. In a work relationship, like with any relationship, sometimes things just do not work out, and you need to let it go. All the best navigating the dynamics of your nanny relationship!

Photo credit: Pinterest

Did you employ a nanny/help? How did it go/how is it going? I’d love to hear your experiences, questions and comments!

December 9, 2021 4