Tamarind (E02)

Welcome back! As earlier: All events and characters in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This story is for entertainment purposes only. (But of course, if you find this thought-provoking or insightful in any way, that works too. 😉) Now back to where we left off… (Catch up on Tamarind E01 here)

“Ma.”

“Don’t ‘Ma’ me, Emefa. You should know better! What time is it? I keep reminding you are still under your father’s and my roof. This is how it starts then before I know it we are naming your children: first child, second, third, fourth, with no actual marriage rite being performed, always with the promise of ‘We’ll come and do it soon. I’ve spoken to my people. Let her wean the baby first, then I’ll come with my people to do the needful…..’ “

“Here we go again.” Emefa muttered to herself. Her mother was still talking but she had zoned out.

Emefa was replaying the conversation she had just had with Jamal on their drive back from their premarital counselling session. Jamal’s aunt had called to say his parents had decided that Jamal’s aunt who practically raised him should be the one to cut the wedding cake with Jamal and Emefa, and not Jamal’s biological mother like the two had planned.

Jamal’s parents had left him at a young age with his dad’s older sister, and travelled to Switzerland. They had planned to bring him over to join them but considering their schedules and the cost of paying someone for childcare, leaving Jamal in Ghana with Aunty Menaye seemed a better option. They called frequently and tried to visit whenever they could but it was not the same. Aunty Menaye assumed a dual responsibility of both mother and father to Jamal from an early age, through to his teenage years, until he eventually graduated from university.

So yes, it made sense that his parents would suggest she cut the cake with the couple instead of his biological mother. It should not have been a problem, except Emefa’s encounters with Aunty Menaye had not been the most pleasant. For starters, she had indirectly called Emefa a witch. And then there was her reaction to the news of their engagement.

The evening they got engaged, Jamal had shared a picture of him and Emefa, with the engagement ring on display and the caption: “Aunty Mena, I’m making you proud. I’m finally settling down to start my own family. 😁”

To which Aunty Menaye had replied. “😳You went and proposed to that girl??????”

Then she followed it with:

“Oh. I didn’t think you were serious when you introduced her to me that’s why I didn’t say anything. I thought she was just a phase that would pass.“

Then another message: “Of all the girls you’ve brought home, this is the one you chose? You know deep down that she’s not your type. How will you even go anywhere with her?

Then Aunty Menaye called. Call rejected.

“Pick my calls.” Calls again. No answer.

Unknown to Aunty Menaye, Jamal was driving and had given his phone to Emefa to read him the incoming reactions to the news of their engagement. He had sent the same picture to a few friends as well and was enjoying the ‘Finally Bro. Welcome to the table of men’ and the ‘Whose daughter agreed to let you trouble her like this?’ reactions he was getting. Only for Aunty Menaye to react this way? No. Emefa decided she was not going to let Aunty Menaye ruin their moment.

“Any new messages?” Jamal asked.

“Nope…nothing” Emefa lied.

Another message from Aunty Menaye: “Marriage is serious business. Why marry someone who is not your ideal and then cheat and bring disgrace to our family?”

Aunty Menaye called again. And again, Emefa rejected the call quickly.

Then Aunty Menaye concluded her messages with: “Ah well. It’s your choice. I’ve said what I have to say. I’ve done my dirty. Call me back.”

Emefa was sure Aunty Menaye meant to type ‘I’ve done my duty‘ and not ‘dirty‘. But given what she had just said, ‘dirty’ worked just as well.

Jamal stopped at the traffic light and glanced at Emefa. “You’re suddenly quiet. Why? Something on your mind?”

Emefa shook her head ‘No’. She dreaded if she spoke, she might cry. She hated to be seen crying. She considered it weakness. She fought back the tears. Her lips were trembling, she tucked them in. Her hands were shaking, she clasped them together in her lap. She turned and looked out the window instead, involuntarily making eye contact with an apple seller. The hawker walked swiftly to her window and stopped. “Yesss appoh, appoh, appoh. Sister, mi-” The light turned green and Jamal sped off before the hawker could finish asking Emefa if she would like to buy any apples. Emefa was quiet the rest of that evening. She never told Jamal that she had seen those messages from his aunt.

“And now she wants to wear big fascinator, dress in my wedding colours and come and cut wedding cake with who, and as what?” Emefa thought to herself. Then, without realising it, Emefa rolled her eyes and sucked her teeth loudly “MTCHEW“. Her mother who had been talking all this while, froze in shock mid- sentence.

“Emefa?!” Ma exclaimed

“Oh no Ma. Sorry. That wasn’t to you.”

“No, it wasn’t. Are we not the only two people here? Or it was to a ghost? Your grandfather’s ghost.” Then Ma looked upwards with both hands lifted. “Oh Da. Come and see your granddaughter oo. Why did you have to leave us so soon and so young too? ”

“But Ma, Grandpa was 103 years and has been dead for almo-“

“Shut your mouth! Was I talking to you? Your grandfather is not dead. He can never die; very fit old man. He has only transitioned. If he hadn’t, I would’ve reported you to him. Maybe he would be able to talk sense into your head.”

“Ma, really, it’s nothing. We just needed to conclude a few plans for the wedding before the week gets busy, that’s all. Tomorrow is Monday. Besides, the date is getting closer and closer, we need to finalise plans quickly. It’s not what you are thinking.”

“Of course, that’s what you’ll say. Because Jamal and his family have formally informed us of their intentions you consider yourself married eh? He has not even presented a needle to this family as a token to seal the marriage. You keep at it. Just know that, the day you come home pregnant and not yet married, both of us will die in this house. “

“Transition, Ma. Both of us will ‘transition‘ in this house. We can never die.” Emefa replied, visibly stifling laughter.

“Mtchew! Excuse me let me go to bed. I’m tired of your troubles. Goodnight!”

Ma left for her room, upset. Emefa continued up the stairs to hers, amused and distracted. She will check for whatever she dropped in the morning.

In the room next to Emefa’s, Maame lay quietly in bed. She had been listening to her mother and her sister. She wished Emefa would take what their mother was saying a bit more seriously. “If only Emefa knew what was on the other side of marriage…”. Maame sighed and rolled over from her back to her left side, hoping tonight would be an exception, and sleep would come easy. Her baby was still fast asleep in the cot next to the bed. She had been back at her parents the past few months since she had her baby, so she could get some help. She was glad no one had noticed that she and the baby had stayed there longer than she had said they would.

Back in Emefa’s room, Emefa plugged in her phone to charge. The screen lit up; a couple of message notifications including “Message from Ji❤”. Jamal had messaged her to say he was home and was going to bed. Emefa put the phone back down to charge. She did not reply. Instead she sat at the edge of her bed with her palms flat on the bed, on either side. She sat thinking of how to win against Aunty Menaye and make her pay for all the trouble and pain she (Aunty Menaye) had been causing her.

Step One: Marry Jamal at ALL costs.

[…Episode 3 loading]

March 22, 2022 9

I was depressed and didn’t even know it? (I)

Okay, so maybe it was extreme sadness but it really got to me. This is a story I have kept to myself. Maybe I was too embarrassed to speak of it, maybe I just did not want to re-live it. And as a woman of faith, how do you explain this? But these things are real, and real conversations need to be had…

Whenever I thought of depression, I pictured someone crying and binging on junk food and Netflix, or laying in bed moping and being sad, sleep deprived, shutting everyone off or someone who needs pills and a therapist…… you know, all the things we see in movies. But awhat hit me, I feel was beyond extreme sadness…(Yes, I know you have to be diagnosed by a professional and all but…) and I didn’t even recognize it for what it was.

Somewhere in 2019, our family suffered a series of unfortunate incidents which, well did not break us but certainly left some very deep cracks and dents. My husband seemed fine on the outside but I could tell he just did not want to speak of it. We had just one child then; my boy, who was too young to understand what was going on. As for me, I was living in denial. It was difficult to come to terms with what we were going through, so I concealed my concerns with medium coverage foundation, eyebrow pencil and neutral colour lip gloss, and went about my business and conversations with everyone as though all was well. I buried myself in work and so on the surface, everything looked fine. But eventually, what was going on on the inside, started to reflect on the outside.

Interestingly, the first place someone suspected something may be wrong with me was at work; the place I was most consistent in my makeup application, but I guess concealer can only conceal so much.

Everyone who came by our office, had been commenting on my weight-loss and how I was trimming nicely. I had started that job after I had had my baby so no one there knew what my actual pre-pregnancy size was. Given the weight-loss trends on social media, it was easy to make it seem deliberate and claim ‘#FitnessGoals’. Everyone believed it…well almost everyone did, except for two of my boss’s friends who used to pass by our office frequently. Each time these ladies saw me, they would ask about my weight-loss and I would fake laugh and change the topic or walk away. My boss had been held up on an emergency outside the country. Unknown to me, they had informed her and asked her to check on me.

Later, when my boss returned to Ghana, and had been around a few weeks herself, she noticed I was not myself. She asked me about it. Again, I insisted I was fine. Then it happened.

One Wednesday morning, my husband dropped me off at work, as usual. Back then, we drove to work together because he worked close to my office. I would usually get off across from the building and then cross the road. I had the habit of checking the time each time my husband pulled up across the street. Then I would say to myself: “You have x hours, to make a difference here today.” It was my way of trying to stay productive and focusing on making myself relevant.

So that morning I checked the time as usual. 8am. Exactly on time. I usually got in before then but that day we pulled up at 8am. We said our goodbyes and ‘see you later‘, and then I got off, and my husband drove towards his office. For a road lined with so many residences, it was quite a busy street so I had a preferred spot to cross from. I walked there. Anywhere else and you would have to wait until a driver deliberately stops for you and also flags down the other cars for you. And so I stood there waiting to cross, trying hard not to focus on the many questions in my mind, or the pain in my heart…..

Next I heard was a car honking loudly. That startled me. I looked around. Where was I and why was I standing by the roadside? What time was it? What was I supposed to be doing? Why was the driver of the car looking at me funny? Had we met? He honked again. I looked directly at him. Then I recognised him. It was my boss’s driver. My boss was returning from an early morning meeting and they had stopped to allow me cross over to our office before they themselves would turn left into the premises. The window was rolled all the way down, and the driver’s arm was out, flagging down cars in the other lane so I could cross safely. I crossed on impulse and mechanically but I still had no idea what was going on, what year it was, who I was… I did not even recognise my boss in the backseat of the car. I just felt her face was familiar, but that was about it.

Once I got to the other side I stood confused at the gate. Fortunately, the driver was parked next to me and had already honked, waiting to be let in by security. I checked the time: 8:15am. Had I just spent 15 minutes standing blank at the roadside? The gate was opened and we entered, me; walking, they; driving. I did not say a word to anyone. I walked straight into the building and sat at my desk embarrassed, hoping they had not noticed I was disoriented.

Throughout the day that day, I kept checking my messages. My boss did not say much. She usually would send a number of messages on things she needed me to attend to urgently, but that day she did not say much. ‘She’s probably tired from her meeting and decided to rest’. I assumed.

Later that day, as I was rounding up, trying to finish whatever I could before the day ended, the office door opened. It was my boss.

“Naa, how are you doing?” She walked over to the couch and sat, typing on her phone.

“I’m fine, thank you. How are you too?” I was smiling, but only with my lips, and not my eyes. Then I joined her on the couch.

“I’m fine, but are you?”

“Oh yes please. Yes, I’m fine.”

She put her phone away and looked at me. “Are you sure? Because I’ve noticed you seem a bit distracted lately.”

“Oh no. Everything is fine. I am fine. There’s just a lot to do but I’m on it.” I said nodding, trying to convince myself I was okay, but I was far from it, and it showed a few seconds later.

“Okay. So this morning when we stopped for you to cross the road, were you aware you were standing by the roadside?”

Silence. I looked away.

“Naa, how long had you been standing there?”

I bowed my head. I still did not speak.

“No, Naa. I mean…”, she paused, “Are you okay?”

And then before I knew it, tears were running down my face. No, I was not okay.

….I’ll be sharing more on my dark days and how I got through them. Till my next post, stay safe. And if you’re going through anything tough, remember, you don’t have to do it alone. Talk to someone who will listen and can help. All the best!

March 17, 2022 6

Tamarind (E01)

FICTION
/ˈfɪkʃ(ə)n/ noun
A story that did not actually happen………yet.

“Ah. I don’t understand what you’re saying.” Emefa looked sharply at Jamal, trying hard to remain calm. Was he being serious right now?

Jamal continued, “I’m saying she called and wa-“

“I can hear the words that are coming out of your mouth, Jamal. But I don’t understand you. Were you not there when that woman basically threatened me?“

“It was just a joke. You heard her say that that day.”

“Oh really?! Well, it didn’t sound that way to me.”

On Emefa’s second visit with Jamal to his aunt’s house, they had been talking and laughing about Jamal’s childhood when his aunt, Aunty Menaye, had turned to Emefa and said:

“My lady, I’m sure you are getting a sense the sacrifices I had to make to raise Jamal whilst that mother of his was globetrotting.” She paused, “That said, if he wishes to send me any kind of token monthly, and you try to stand in the way of that, then I’ll pay you a special visit to show you that I am more of a witch than you are.”

Then, seeing the expression on Jamal’s face, Aunty Menaye half-laughed and said to him, “Oh don’t mind me. Let me scare her a bit so she doesn’t take you for granted.”

Emefa had not taken it lightly at all, yet here was Jamal telling her it was not a big deal and his aunt should be given a role to play at their wedding.

Emefa looked at the gate. It did not look like it would be opening anytime soon. She and Jamal were parked three houses away from her parents’ house and she had whatsapped Maame, her sister, to let her in. She did not want to ring the bell to risk letting her mother know the exact time she was getting home. There had been a few too many episodes of ‘Emefa is late in getting home… again‘. This was usually followed by a lecture on the fact that she and Jamal are not officially married yet. In today’s episode of ‘Emefa is late again‘, she was arriving five hours after the premarital counselling class had ended. And she really did not want to have to disclose their ‘itinerary’ for the evening as an explanation to her parents for her lateness.

“Jamal, I don’t think we can continue this conversation right now. It’s getting late. Let’s talk about this later.”, Emefa said without looking at her fiancé.

Her eyes were fixed on the gate, waiting for it to open. ‘Where is this girl?’ She needed to get out of the car quickly before she lost her temper, given the information her fiancé had just given her. Emefa messaged Maame.

“Madam…..👀” and got the reply: “Should I excuse you both for the goodnight💋? 😜🏃🏾‍♀️” Emefa looked up. Maame had opened the gate a crack and was peeking through like a mischievous child. “This girl plays too much. And I’m supposed to be the younger one.“, she thought to herself.

“Goodnight Ji” Emefa got out of the car.

‘Ji’ (Jee) was the name Emefa had given Jamal on their second date. When she had first met him, she assumed he was Muslim. Being Christian herself, she was reluctant to go out with him. But he had insisted that that first date was actually not a date and so, Emefa thought, ‘A girl’s gotta eat.’, and let him take her out. That night had been one of the most amazing nights Emefa had had in a long long time; the conversations were easy, she could be herself, he had a great sense of humour and she looked forward to spending time with him again. And so when he asked to take her out again on another not-a-date, she obliged. These were just harmless outings after all, she thought, trying to convince herself that she was not cheating on Bismark, her boyfriend at the time.

Bismark was Emefa’s former roommate’s course-mate. Emefa had felt pressured to date in her final year in university, and agreed to see where things would go with Bismark. But it became clear very early in the relationship that things were going to go just about the distance between the tip of her nose and the rest of her face. In fact it seemed the only thing they had in common was probably the nationality on their passports and their biological classification. But neither of them wanted to be the person to initiate the breakup. So they had both been hanging on with Emefa going on not-a-date outings with Jamal. Bismark eventually came up with a story about his family wanting him to marry a family friend and how they used to play as friends, and it was a childhood oath, bla bla bla. Emefa was relieved and did not even make an effort to hide it. They ended things and went their separate ways.

On her second still-not-a-date with Jamal, Emefa had called him ‘Alhaji‘ as an inference to what she had assumed was his religion. He laughed. “I’m not Muslim. I was only named after someone who was. But even then, not every Muslim is Alhaji.” Emefa replied. “Well it’s already registered in my head. Let’s make it ‘Ji’, that has a nice ring to it.” They both laughed. It had been two years since that night.

Emefa got out of the car and tried hard not to slam the door behind her. It was only nine days into the new year and one of her resolutions had been to try to control her emotions better. She walked towards the gate without looking back, then remembered Maame was watching and may notice something was wrong. Emefa paused, turned, half-smiled at her fiancé and waved in a manner that seemed more like a swat at a fly than a wave. Then she walked into the house.

“Is Ma awake?” Emefa asked in a hushed tone, looking at her parents’ bedroom window. The lights were off. She knew the most likely answer would be ‘yes’ and yet she was badly hoping for a ‘no’.

“Oh she’s asleep. She actually slept early today. Said she was tired.”, Maame replied.

Emefa was relieved. At least she wouldn’t have to listen to the lecture on coming home late when she and Jamal were not officially married. The two walked into the house and locked the door quietly behind them. Emefa pulled off her wig, then proceeded to take off her jewellery.

“The day you wait till you get to your room before you start taking things off, it’ll snow in this Ghana. I hope Mr is aware this is what he’s signing up for.” Maame whispered. They both giggled.

“Shh… you’ll wake Ma!” Maame reminded Emefa. Sharp hearing was their mother’s super power. Emefa stopped and reached towards the wall in the dark, feeling for the light switch. Maame stopped her.

“What are you doing?”

Emefa whispered. “I think I’ve dropped something.”

“Use the light from your phone screen.” Maame whispered back.

“My battery is low and it’s in power-saving mode now so the screen light is not that bright.”

“So just try to manage erh? It’s like you want to get caught.” Maame headed for her own room, leaving Emefa to grope around the dark floor, trying to figure out if she actually did drop something or it was her imagination.

“But why am I stressing myself? I can leave this and check in the morning.”, Emefa thought to herself. She turned to go, then froze. “Was that…?” Emefa turned back slowly and switched on the lights in the living room. Seated on the couch staring right back at her was her mother.

“Ma!”

“Awuraba, akwaaba! Ayekoo.”

[…. Continue reading: Tamarind Episode 2….]

March 15, 2022 11

#BreakingTheBias with the Proverbs 31 Woman

Back in high school, our French teacher would ask us to put a disclaimer after he dictated notes, saying: ‘These notes were dictated to me and the spellings you see are French spellings according to me and no one else.’ 🤣
So for this post, I’m just going to say: These are solely my thoughts, based on a recent experience..…

We have all heard of the Proverbs 31 woman and have most probably at some point been encouraged in a meeting, social group or church ladies’ event or something, to strive to be like her. But seriously, whenever I thought of this woman I used to think she sounded like a sleep-deprived over-worked possibly unappreciated woman providing everything for her family, doing DIY projects with linen and all, whilst her household chills at home, waiting to give her ‘fans’✌🏾. Oh wait, did I say at home? Her husband is even ‘hanging out’ casually at the city gate, taking credit for all her hardwork. 😳 …. or so I thought…

I cannot count the number of times I have found myself in conversations with other ladies where the question about balancing the various spheres of our lives has been asked. No, I am not referring to the frequently asked question about work-life balance that is posed during panel discussions where the panelists are predominantly female. No, not that. I mean real conversations with real people giving real scenarios on how to be truly present in our workplaces, businesses, ministries and calling, family and other relationships all at once.

A few weeks ago, I was in a conversation with one of my sisters over how busy our schedules had been. There was a lot going on for her at work, and I too was trying to adjust (together with my husband) to our new family routine, after our nanny had to leave for school. My sister and I had both a hectic couple of weeks and we needed an outlet. (Talking is therapy for my sisters and I 😅….. okay fine, one of us is more of a listener but still…😜). We concluded that we cannot stress ourselves and should focus on the essentials.

Later that night, I woke up to prep for the next day. It was something new I had started; sleeping early and then waking up to prep for the next day. Honestly, I expected to feel tired and sleepy when I initially started doing this, but I was surprised to find I was actually enjoying being up at that time. I could plan, strategize, write, think through my day. I got headstart on a lot of things. Then it clicked to me: No wonder the Proverbs 31 woman woke up when she did, it must have been a strategy. 🤭

I used to read Proverbs 31:15 and think: Ei, so if you wake up later than 3am does that make you a Proverbs 31 man instead??? Because it looks like the Proverbs 31 woman wakes up at dawn to go and bring food and money. So then you cannot sleep in ever, right? But that night, whilst I was reflecting on this scripture, I realised something: it was not about the hour of day, as I was thinking.

She rises up at night. This does not necessarily refer to a time on the clock but rather a period of the day and what it represents. It is the time everyone is still asleep so I can get into my head and get things done with minimal interruptions. It is not whilst changing diapers or helping with homework that I should try to strategize; neither will get done well. For me, the nighttime in your household is the time you can have a clear head whether night or day. So if that hour for you is late afternoons, so be it.

She rises up at night and provides food for her household. The nighttime is also when most activities that are harmful or destructive take place. The effect is not seen until the day breaks. That is the time the Proverbs 31 woman is up; countering it, praying, planning, strategizing. In the seasons where there is a family challenge – financial difficulty, a loss or whichever – it can be very difficult to stay focused and forge ahead. But she still plans and prepares for the time to come.

She instructs her maidservants. The Proverbs 31 woman identified people who she could trust to support her vision and ‘fill in the gaps.’ First thing is, she did not try to carry the weight of it all on her shoulders and do everything by herself, wearing herself out in the process. She delegates. This speaks to her leadership skills and people intelligence, without which I doubt she would have been able to influence those around her to deliver on their assignments and tasks.

She instructs her maidservants. The Proverbs 31 woman is also discerning. It takes a special people-reading ability to be able to trust someone to work with you to achieve your purpose and plan. Not everyone understands your vision and can work at it with you. I have had many unfortunate experiences entrusting things into the care of people I never should have trusted and learnt the hard way.

She is industrious. She sets targets and works at achieving them. She is a go-getter. She is healthy and strong. She considers her wellness and well-being, and prioritises her health.

She is kind and compassionate. Her work is recognised by many and her impact is felt in her community. She identifies a social issue and works at making it better.

There’s so much more to to learn from the Proverbs 31 woman, but if there’s anything that is clear to me (especially in this time of hectic schedules), it is that it is important to identify the essentials in each sphere of my life (in family, in ministry, at work, in business). Then, find a time where there is minimal to zero distractions to plan ahead and strategize, identify people I can trust to support my vision, delegate to those who can help and then execute.

Let’s normalise asking for help, and taking a break. So, instead of trying to be a ‘perfect’ mother, wife, daughter, entrepreneur, corporate executive, in-law all at once, focus on first, being a woman of God, walking in His Plan and Purpose, and everything else will fall in place.

Happy International Women’s Day! Here’s to making our voices heard and our influence felt. #BreakTheBias 🙅🏾‍♀️

*Look out for my latest #Series. 🥳 #Tamarind starts soon*

March 10, 2022 14

BABY SHOPPING -What’s on your list?

For every new mum who asked me for a list of what to get…and every expectant mum wondering what to get…

Getting ready for your baby’s arrival and shopping for baby items can be an exciting part of pregnancy but it is easy to get carried away in the ‘Awww, this is cute’ of baby items and start spending on things you may actually never use. It is not deliberate. You may plan to go in to get only a few items. Then there are all these cute stuff you see, and get carried away. Maybe that is why my husband eventually decided to pay someone else to drive me, after going with me a few times to shop for our first baby 🤣.

Shopping for our baby was quite straightforward for me. I had helped my sister with her baby shopping and caring for her baby so I learnt a few things about baby shopping before I actually had to shop for my first baby. Here’s what I learnt:

Make a list. When we were expecting our first baby, we had to make a number of decisions as first time parents and a young couple. One of the first things we did was write a list of things we needed based on our lifestyle. The last thing we wanted was to spend on things that we were not even sure we would use.

Categorise the items. Once I made the list, I grouped them into categories of things I personally considered ‘Essentials’ and ‘Optional’. Before you buy anything, first ask if you absolutely need the item. When shopping, I would ask myself if I needed the item or if I was getting it just because it was cute. The shop attendants can be very helpful with their suggestions, but be sure you need that item before you pay for it. Some of the things that were being suggested at some of the shops I visited, were in my optional category so I stuck to my list instead, and did not regret it later.

Decide on timing for shopping. With us, we wanted to take wait until later to make any purchases. We did not start shopping till around 26 or 27 weeks. We were aiming for 28 weeks but I got bored with the waiting for my due date and needed something to keep me busy. 😁 When I did actually go shopping, I focused on buying items I need for the first few weeks to months, and left things I did not need till later, for later. So I held off toddler clothes, sippy cup, and others for later.

Draw up a budget and check prices. Next, I checked for prices of items so I could make a realistic budget and plan. After I had made my list of the things I considered absolute must-haves, I literally walked into the mothercare shop I knew I would be shopping at, and checked prices of specific items. I used this to eliminate certain items I assumed were necessary and include those I did not know I would need a a first-time mom. We also asked about cost of delivery (for both birth options) at our hospital and included it in the budget.

Hospital list. Check from your healthcare provider or the hospital you will be delivering at, what items they need you to bring for the delivery and hospital stay. My first hospital provided everything my baby needed for our entire hospital stay and gave us extra to take home. But with my second hospital, there were a number of things I needed to take along. Confirm if there is anything you need to take along for the delivery.

Mode of delivery. Another thing to consider is the mode of delivery. Depending on whether you are having a Vaginal birth or C-section, you may need specific items. So for example, you may not need a peri bottle if you are having a C-section, but you may need an abdomen/belly support belt or wrap to support your postpartum tummy and your back.

Clothing and diapers. Babies outgrow things quickly so try not to stock up on too many items of the exact same size. If you are not sure, you can mix brands as some brands have bigger in sized clothing although the tag may say same age as the smaller-sized clothing brands. You can also check with your doctor the weight of your baby to help you decide on clothing and diaper sizes. Even with that, you can buy just a few newborn sized diapers and clothing.

Pray. Before you actually start shopping, say a prayer so you go to the right shops and get the right deals. And when you are done with all the shopping, pray over all the items before you use anything for your baby, and even for things you get subsequently as your baby grows.

The easiest approach to shopping for my kids for me was to keep asking: If my baby arrives today, would I have the necessary things to get through a few days at least? What do I actually need and which things are just ‘cute wants’ to me? Remember: Essentials before Optionals…..whatever each one is/means to you.

All the best! Stay safe. Wondering what to buy for your baby or trying to make a gift hamper for a new mom? Click on the link below to download my FREE Baby Shopping list (Personal Comments on each item included)

BABY SHOPPING LIST (Personal comments included)Get my Free Baby Shopping list

February 23, 2022 2

Am I Overreacting? (II)

Interestingly, I just got off the phone with my son’s school before writing this…a call I told myself I did not need to make, and yet…🤭🏃🏾‍♀️ (Missed the first part? Catch up here)

I cannot count the number of times I have been tempted to engage my child’s school to discuss one issue or the other. Sometimes from observations I have made, other times from my son’s account of what his school-day was like. On many occasions, I have decided against it and successfully overlooked the issue. Other times I wait for the school to reach out to me on something else, and then at the end of the call or conversation, I take the opportunity to check on what I am not clear on. 😁

Many parents I know decide against contacting their child’s school if they have concerns because the assumption is that their child may be labelled negatively or it may affect the way they are treated by the teachers. But if your child’s school starts being hostile towards your child because you drew their attention to something, then maybe you should not have taken your child there to begin with. 👀

Recently, I heard about parents who had some concerns and decided to discuss it with the head of their child’s school. The conversation ended on a note of ‘If you do not like how we handle things here, you are free to withdraw your child but we will not be refunding any fees paid.’ I have also heard of some pretty extreme reactions from schools after the parents voiced out concerns on specific issues; from children being asked to sit out on lessons all day, to children being given mean names and then to teachers refusing to teach that particular child. (Who is regulating these places?🤔)

Even though our son’s school is very welcoming of parents’ views and keeps asking for feedback every now and then, I still hesitate to make that call. I ask myself:

What exactly is the issue?
Do I need to engage at all?
Which things do I need to handle at the school level?
Which ones can I address directly with my child?

I have learnt to pick and choose which things are absolute no-nos and which ones can be overlooked. By all means, address any concerns you may have but keep the purpose for your reaching out to the school, in mind.

Before you go to your child’s school to rain fire and brimstone, take a deep breath and calm down. Do not dial school line or drive over just yet. First make a decision on what the best way to approach the issue is. Determine whether you even need to talk to the school at all or if there is an alternative way to handle things. If you decide to talk to the school, allow a few hours or a day or two, if you are extremely upset, before you contact the school. Unless of course, it is health-related, in which case, it is an entirely different situation.

Direct your concerns to the appropriate authority. Should you be talking directly to the teacher, school administration or the Head. What is the school’s policy on how to handle concerns? Is your approach intended as a direct attack to the teacher? There was an incident I was told of where a parent directly walked to a class to confront a teacher over a text message communication. In reply to an earlier request from the parent, that teacher had sent a message asking the parent if she (the teacher) was on the parent’s payroll, and to ask why the parent had the impression that they (the parents) can instruct her (the teacher).

Aim at putting a message across and not an emotional display. Try to keep your emotions in check and focus on the actual issue that needs to be addressed. Are you Reacting (giving an emotional response) to the situation OR are you Responding (addressing the issue in a manner that brings a solution that actually works) to the situation?

When you see something positive, commend the school. Some parents only contact their child’s school when there’s an issue. Every time their child’s school hears from them (parents), it’s always complaints, lightning and thunder all over. 😂 It takes a lot of effort to cater to each child’s unique needs in a class of children of diverse personalities and backgrounds. So when you see something you like – progress in your child’s academics or whatever – just a message or an email is very encouraging to the school.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with addressing your concerns with your child’s school. You should not have to bear the uneasiness if you have concerns, but that does not mean you should constantly be ‘attacking’ the school. An approach can make or unmake a situation. Like I usually say: It’s usually not the WHAT but the HOW of the WHAT.

All the best. Stay safe

January 27, 2022 3

Am I Overreacting? (I)

*Dusts off blog* A lot has changed since my last post: ‘BACK TO SCHOOL‘. In the past two weeks, I have been trying to find a balance in what has become my new routine. More on that later, but for now…

Back when I was in second grade (or class two, as it was called then), our teacher, when planning the class seating, would pair talkative students with quiet ones. I was not much of a talker back then (Why do you look surprised? 😏) so a classmate, who was known to tell jokes and goof quite a bit, was asked to be my sitting partner. He would usually randomly break into a narration about something that happened at home or with his older brother.

In Math class one day, my new sitting partner started talking as usual. Honestly, I was more attentive of the math lesson than what he was saying, and I ignored him. So when our teacher asked if anyone wanted to volunteer to solve the math problem she had written on the board, my hand was one of the first to shoot up. She looked around the classroom. There were many little palms waving excitedly in the air, hoping to be called so they could show how smart they were. The teacher called one of my classmates. She (my classmate) had been a bit distracted and so she was unable to solve the math problem.

My hand was still high up. “Me! Me! Me! Me!” I was flicking my little palm forwards and backwards to catch the teacher’s attention. The teacher looked in my direction, spotted my talking sitting partner and punished us both; him, for talking during the lesson, me, for ‘listening’. But that was the thing; I actually was not listening to him. Otherwise, I would not have had my hand up with so much enthusiasm, practically jumping in my seat, begging to be called to solve the math problem. I really cried that day and decided that I too would report my teacher to my mother, and she would query the teacher like the other parents used to do (fingers crossed). At least I hoped she would.

You see, my mother’s response to most complaints my early-years-self made to her was: “Don’t mind her (or him)”. So I decided I would need to ‘help’ her react differently. I made a plan to wait till my mother comes to pick me after school, then I’ll start crying all over again. (My mischievous little self😅). Well, there was no need to, because I actually cried the whole day till she came. When she arrived to pick me after school, I told her what happened and waited for her reaction. I thought, “Maybe, if I got lucky, she would handle things Robert’s (not his real name) mother’s style this time.“

Robert was my schoolmate whose mother did not hesitate to come to the school to ‘shake’ students and teachers alike. Yes, there were other parents who came to the school occasionally with one complaint or the other but Robert’s mother’s approach was fireworks, and quite frequent too. If there was a week she did not show up, that was the exception. If a fly so much as flew too close to Robert’s ear, she would be in the school causing a scene, even if that scene meant walking straight up to other students Robert reported to her for whatever, and scolding (Read as ‘confronting’) them. Of course the school had no idea because it was usually after hours, or it would not have ended well for her. Long story short, Robert eventually became that child that nobody wanted to interact with or play with for fear of being next in line for a ‘visit’ from his mother, for something you considered harmless play as a second-grader.

On multiple occasions where there has been an issue I would like to have a discussion with my child’s school about, I have asked myself: Am I Overreacting? Conversations I have had with other parents on this tells me I am not alone. One of the things that seems to keep coming back, even from people who have previously worked in education and early childhood development, is: “I don’t want to say anything so they don’t take it out on my child.” But does that mean parents cannot express any concerns or ask questions on anything at all just because they are concerned their child may pay the price?

Now older, and a mom myself, I can understand why my mother decided to focus on me and my being okay, instead of going to cause a scene at my school for every complaint. I will be sharing more on my interactions with my child’s school in my next post.

And oh, if you are wondering how my story in second grade ended with my mother, well her response was her usual: “Don’t mind her.” The entire fireworks expectation and the plan I had in mind fell in water. 🤣 🤣 🤣

All the best! Stay safe! Am I Overreacting? (II)

January 26, 2022 1

Back to School

Happy New Year! Is it just me or 2022 seems to already have a lot of pressure and to-dos? Feels like this year, we had to hit the ground running. Anyway…

The holiday season is officially over (Don’t ask: ‘What about Constitution Day?’. 😏) Although most schools do not resume till next week, some schools are already back in session (no wonder it feels like the holiday traffic is just picking up from where it left off 😓). Returning to your pre-holiday routine and getting your child ready to go back to school is not as easy as wake them up, dress them up, drop them off. From making sure tuition fees are paid on time, to stocking up on school supplies and checking to make sure you got everything, the process can be quite stressful.

If your kids have been in full holiday mode, getting them to switch back to school mode can be challenging. As my ’40-year-old’ preschooler said during the holidays: “…we are having a party. Everybody is having a party!”. Well, the party is over and now it is time for serious business. But how do you make the switch without breaking down in the process? Here are a few things that work for me;

Talk it over. Have a conversation with your child and inform him/her that school is about to resume. Remind them of the routine for when school is in session, and what your expectations are; what you expect when it’s time to wake up, what you expect at bedtime, all of it.

Go back to your old ways. (I know how that sounds🤣🤭). Incorporate some things from your regular routine into your final days at home before school resumes. Breakfast time, wake up time, bedtime are a good start.

Bedtime. If you made any changes to bedtime like we did, it would be good to revert to bedtime for school nights to help them start to revert their sleep pattern to what it was before.

Include attention-building activities in their routine. If your child has had more screen time than usual during this season, now would be a good time to include more attention-building activities into their schedule and limit screen time significantly. Screen time tends to affect the attention span of children, leaving them distracted. Encourage time for some colouring, building blocks, counting, math practice, reading or writing practice (Am I the only one who had a different/ funny handwriting after every school break growing up?😂).

Plan meals. Having a plan for school lunch and dinner for the week can take off a lot of the pressure in your already busy schedule. You can make a list of easy-to-make meals and meal prep over the weekend.

Reminders. Remind your child about COVID safety protocols to observe whilst in school. This is also a good time to remind your child to play nice in school, listen to their teachers, try their hands at school work before they decide if it’s too challenging for them, and everything else.

Make a checklist. Make a list of everything that needs to be done or stocked up. Do a mental run through of what school mornings are like and confirm if you have everything needed for each stage; uniforms, socks, snacks, water bottle, everything.

Pray. Say a prayer for your child before you send them back to school. Any challenges from the previous term or semester, any blessing you have for them, or any behaviour you would like them to pick up or not exhibit, pray it. Speak it over their lives. Try to do this daily and watch them happen.

School reopening is good news for most parents but it can be stressful getting your child to adjust. The best time to get your child ready is well-ahead of reopening day. It’s a great thing there’s a holiday weekend coming up to allow enough time to switch things over and settle in.

Click on the link below to download my free Back-to-School Checklist. All the best! Happy Constitution Day!

Back to school checklist Download

January 6, 2022 7

You’re Welcome-ish

So earlier this week I was listening to Pentatonix’s ‘Mary Did You Know?’ and it got me thinking: Did Mary really want the Shepherds and Three Wise men to visit when they did? If it were me, I’m not sure I would want people I didn’t know personally, to be the first to show up. I would probably have been asking for some privacy please. But not Mary. Mary, understood the assignment.

If the Christmas story had played out this year, I can only imagine how things would have gone. From the Heaven-Sent-themed Baby Shower to Mary’s friends and family calling to ask if she’s been discharged yet and/or when are the doctors are saying she’s likely to be discharged. Some would also be doing the: ‘Did you have a C-section or not?’, ‘What was his birth weight?’, ‘How many hours of labour?’ Others would have been doing the ‘I knew it was a boy, I knew it! She was carrying high. ‘ As for me, I probably would have been ‘Quiz Mistress’ for the games at the Baby shower. 😅

When I had my son, we had to stay in the hospital for almost a week because he was going through phototherapy for neonatal jaundice. It was quite a stressful time because it had taken a while for my baby to start responding to the treatment and he did not particularly enjoy being under the blue light. By the time we were allowed to go home, I was sick of being in the hospital (pun intended), and could not wait to leave. When we were eventually discharged, it was already evening because our test results had taken a while to come back from the lab.

My husband and I had decided we would not need anyone to stay with us to help with bathing and caring for the baby, so it was just us at the time. We made a stop from the hospital to grab takeout and then headed home. We were home a little after 9pm but by the time we settled in to sleep eventually, it was well after 10pm. We would wake up, feed, burp, sleep, repeat. We were all tired and sleepy (baby inclusive) but we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Around 8am the next day, my mother arrived with tons of food and groceries. We had discussed with her (ahead of delivery) to bring us food for the first few days/weeks and she didn’t disappoint. She made us green salad and fresh juice (and guys, you need to taste my mom’s fresh fruit juices). She had brought soup and stew too 😋 (God bless this woman for me oo). My husband had an urgent situation at work he needed to resolve so he had to go. My baby was fed and asleep in his cot. I was supposed to go and shower but my mother was updating me on some drama that had happened and I was enjoying every detail. (If you think I give the most dramatic and descriptive narrations, you should meet my mother 😂). After hours of saying multiple times, ‘Oh this time, I’m really leaving to go and bathe‘, only to return and ask my mother ‘And then what happened?’, I eventually left the kitchen to take that long overdue shower.

Out of the shower, I thought of the story my mom had been telling me. I had questions. I would go back and ask her. But first let me sleep a bit before baby wakes up. I was so deep in my thoughts that I nearly missed the sound of the car engine outside. I paused. My husband had said he was just sorting out one thing and would be back but this was way quicker than I had expected. I looked outside. That’s not his car. Who did my mom just let in? Unfortunately one of our front windows was directly to the bedroom so if they looked in that (my) direction, na wa (trouble) for me oo. I dropped to the floor quickly and literally crawled to the window, drew the curtains closed, leaving only a tiny crack to peek outside. It was my husband’s parents coming to surprise visit. 🙆🏽‍♀️

Well this was awkward. My mother had assumed I knew they were coming and came to my door to let me know they were in. I actually did not know they were coming. In fact my husband and I had spoken to them that morning and the way they kept asking about whether I was staying at my mother’s or not, we had asked if they were planning a visit. They said ‘No‘. So I had gone about my business ‘feeling free’ at home and now ‘Surprise!’ I was tired, in pain, my feet were so swollen and they sounded like water balloons slushing when I walked. I wanted to stay wrapped in my towel for a long as I could. Now we had company and I would have to dress. Sigh.

To make things more awkward, I had nothing presentable to wear. I had stayed in the hospital too long and had literally just gotten home and was now settling. My extended hospital-stay also meant my husband had had to bring me more clothes from home so most of my clothes were in the laundry. I had been home for a little over half a day or so, so no, I had not done any laundry. And when my mom came, our focus had been what to eat and not laundry. I did not have anything that fit because I still had a small bump. (No, I did not invest in much maternity clothing.😅🤭).

Anything else I had, needed to be ironed. That meant I would have to walk past them in a towel to get to the ironing area to do that. My husband was not back to help me with that. And my mom was busy keeping them company, so she had no idea what was going on inside with me. Wahala for who no get wash-and-wear clothes oo 😅. Maybe if I had had a cloak of invisibility to walk past them for the iron at least. 🤣

Eventually, I wore one of my clothes from the hospital. It was also the same dress I had been wearing when they visited in the hospital. I had worn that dress so much it was like motherhood uniform. And to make things worse, it needed to be washed. I was so uncomfortable! I made my way to the hall. I paused behind the corridor door, took in a deep breath, managed a smile and walked into the hall with the ‘Ei, you’re all here!’ look. That visit lasted 4 hours….😔

Babies and birth announcements have a way of making people so excited they sometimes even forget that the baby is not going anywhere anytime soon. So for most of us we get lost in all the ‘Oh baby!’ and rush to visit, forgetting that when a baby is born, a mother is also born. It is a beautiful thing to have a community that wants to support you on your journey. But if we could take things slow and easy, we may find that sometimes the help that is needed is not the running around, jumping in and activating superhero mode to save the day. You will be surprised how many parents actually do know what they are doing when the baby comes, and yes, even first-time parents!

Here are a few things I have learnt about how to handle birth announcements:

If you must call immediately, call Daddy, Grandma, Sister or birth partner, not mummy. New mothers need to rest as much as possible and that vibrating phone may disrupt that. If she’s awake and able to talk, you can ask to speak to her. But please let her rest. She will need it for the sleepless nights (and days) ahead.

It is not your news to share. A birth announcement is not a journalism or breaking news competition. Allow the parents to decide who they want to tell and when. The people you tell may also want to call them immediately out of excitement. Goodbye Mummy’s rest time👋🏾🤦🏾‍♀️. Confirm if they are okay with you sharing with specific people. Your inner core is not necessarily their inner core.

Wait to be invited or ask them to let you know when they are ready for visits. Please do not show up unannounced. I know someone who walked right past friends who visited her unannounced, when she had just returned from the hospital, and headed straight for bed. Yeah, real awkward.

Offer help and offer to bring anything they need. Is there anything they need? Food? Something they need from the shop? Ask and see if that is something you are able to help with.

Keep it short. Try to be brief with the visit. You can visit for longer later, when they are ready. Talk less. Congratulate them. Give blessings and LEAVE, unless the new parents want you to sit and wait with them. If you notice that even the nurses are giving you sideways glances, that is your cue to G-O.

Try not to make it about you. This is not the time to judge their choices or make everything about you. Allow the parents to have their moment and enjoy it. You can talk about yourself later.

Observe COVID safety protocols. Cuddles and snuggles are warm but do you really want to risk making a newborn unwell? The baby is now building their immune system. If you do not feel well, even if it is not a cough or cold, wait till you are fully recovered. The baby will wait, don’t worry.

Allow them to settle and develop a routine. Respect their space and privacy. If they are not ready for visitors, allow them to settle. It does not mean they do not love you. If no one is answering their phone, leave a message. They will get back to you when they can.

Above all, just check with the new parents how they want things to be. Some people actually enjoy having people pop in unannounced and stay long, depending on their relationship with them. But do not just assume ‘Oh, we go way back. We’re cool like that.’, when visiting people who just had a baby. When you were ‘cool like that’, had they just had a newborn? 😏

And as for those who like kissing people’s babies, holding babies’ hands, putting babies’ fingers in their mouth…*sigh* unless deliverance please. 🙆🏽‍♀️🤣

Enjoy these final moments of the year. See you on the other side! Ciao!🤗

December 30, 2021 18

Family-fun Holiday Activities (on a Low Budget)

Holiday mode activated!😁

With all the Black Friday deals and sales, you can feel the holiday season excitement (and unfortunately, traffic😓) start to build up as early as November. Then December begins and, in the rush of the holiday shopping, Christmas preparations, and with the one or two invitations you have accepted, you believe you have the holiday season all planned out. Biggest #scam ever.

The busyness of the days leading up to Christmas can be very misleading, having you believe you have it all figured out for the holidays. You even start the when-is-our-office-going-on-break-for the-holidays and the I-hope-I-don’t-have-to-be-at-work-on-the-24th-because-my-days-will-be-packed mood. Then a day or two after Christmas day itself, you realise what you really planned was just meals, a visit to family, and then considered family outing but that’s about it. Now here you are going through the rest of the days not sure what year it is, what day it is, and reacting to social media posts about how Christmas was more fun when you were a child.

No matter how old you are, you can still have a Christmas that is cheerful and filled with memorable moments. With everything going on, pandemic, (and also ‘economic surprises’) and all, thinking of fun things to do by yourself or with your family can be stressful. So, in the holiday spirit of giving and sharing, I am sharing some of my Holiday Activities with you.

The usual…

Attend a Church service if there’s one
Plan a holiday menu with new recipes.
Wrap and deliver gifts
Decorate a tree (or tabletop tree if you have young children)
Visit friends and family
Plan a family photoshoot (if that’s your kind of thing)

Now to my list… To make it more fun, bring out the Christmas accessories; Santa hats, funny glasses, whatever you’ve got. (Yes, I’m a big kid at heart….😁😁😁)

Take your family out or plan a family weekend away. Take your family out of town for a day or two, or weekend. Make reservations to avoid getting stranded. If you are staying in town instead, you can eat out, visit a ‘Santaland’ or even attend the family party in the park (family picnic). You could go out for a late afternoon/ early evening treat; seeing the ‘#LightUpTheCity’ displays would be a plus for the drive back home.

Have a Barbecue. Set up outdoors for a late afternoon to early evening barbecue, if you have concerns about being outdoors in the evening. Alternatively, you can set up to grill outdoors and eat indoors instead. Invite another family or a few friends over if you prefer that.

Have a movie night. Make microwave popcorn or regular homemade popcorn, order a pizza, spread some blankets on the floor (or couch, if you prefer that), get cosy and watch a family-friendly movie or animation. Instead of just sitting there, counting the seconds till your child falls asleep so you can binge on Netflix (😂) try to engage them. Pick whichever cartoon is the Mummy/Daddy-I-want-to-watch pick of the season, and occasionally ask your child what they think is happening; who the bad guy is, who the hero is, why the puppy is sad, all of it!

Have a Game Night (or day). This could be fun for your family and also for guests, if you are hosting. Bring out the Ludo, Monopoly, Scrabble or whichever board games you’ve got. You could also play charades or pictionary with ideas from the story Birth of Jesus and other Christmas-themes.

Arts and Crafts. Make DIY Christmas decorations together. Paper lanterns, Chinese lantern ‘snowball’, Christmas tree mosaic, and other art and craft projects can be great ways to keep your child engaged.

Bake with your kids. Try simple baking recipes: butter cookies, chocolate chip cookies, cupcakes or chips. If you are looking for fun ways to keep your child engaged outside of screen time this holiday season, try baking or cooking with them.

Treat yourself and your spouse. Give yourself and your spouse a treat; you deserve it. Go out WITHOUT the little or not-so-little ones; attend a live event, watch a stage play, have dinner, plan a spa day or couple’s massage for yourselves. Anything to de-stress.

Plan the year ahead. No, not the new-year-new-me mood or new year resolutions, actual planning. Reflect on the year and consider your faith walk, your finances, your relationships. Where are you now? Where do you want to be a year from now? Do you know what God expects of you in the coming year? How do you get there? How will you know you are there? Take time to reflect, be grateful and then plan the next steps. Write these down so you can refer to this list later. Do this periodically through the year.

Sleep! Yes, you read that right. With all the activities and events in the holiday season, it’s easy to get going on the adrenaline and muscle memory, and neglect rest. Make it a point to sleep in late some mornings and catch up on your rest arrears.

Try not to squeeze in EVERY SINGLE ONE of these activities into your holiday schedule. It will take out the fun and make everything feel more like work. Leave a few of these for later or the next holiday season. 😉

Merry Christmas!… May all your Christmas days be merry and bright!

December 23, 2021 6