Drama-free exit from events with children….. if that is even possible. 😅😅😅

The holidays are almost here. Invitations to events are probably already coming in and you may be trying to decide which ones to honour and which ones to decline. If your kids are anything like my energetic people then you are probably not particularly looking forward to family outings and events planned for children. Taking children out can sometimes be a drag. Not because you don’t enjoy being out with your kids but sometimes when you think of all the work involved…..😅😅😅

‘Oh let’s do something with the family this Christmas. Come with the boys’

‘Ananda is turning 5 and we’re having a party. Bring the children over.’

Simply said🙂. The actual process though😓:

Wake up. Convince the mini-mes to cooperate. It seems to be going well. Brush teeth, check. Breakfast, well a few moments of staring into space and doing nothing, but eventually, check. Bathe, check. Dressed and ready to go, ch-… “Wait. What’s that on your shirt? Why of all the times do you pick now to finger paint?” Wash hands. Change clothes check. Heading out. Sees bicycle. Decides to go and ride.

‘Leave the bike. Go and pee before we go.’

‘I don’t feel like it.’

Try at least.’

‘I don’t feel like it. Nothing is coming.’

You give up because you are running late. Everyone gets into the car. Everyone strapped in. Hit the road. Two seconds later: ‘Daddy, I want to pee.’

Eventually get to the event, late of course. You are tired. You manage to smile at your host and other guests. You settle in.

‘Mummy I want this. Daddy I want that.’ (😩) Someone is crying. Someone does not want to take turns. Someone is refusing to eat and you have ZERO plans of cooking at home after all this stress. It is time to go but someone has thrown himself or herself on the floor, refusing to leave. Oh boy! Maybe you should have just stayed home.

My husband and I have also had our share of dramatic exits with the: floor-rolling, screaming-crying antics when leaving events. But we found that, the problem is not just in the fact that it is time to go home, but the how of the leaving. So we came up with this process and so far, it is working:

Plan ahead. Try to think through what the day is likely to be like and then prepare. Pack whatever snacks, change of clothes, swimwear is going to be required. If eating a particular meal for breakfast or lunch is going to be messier or slower, switch it out for another. A hot chocolate certainly goes down quicker than cereal, for breakfast.

Lay ground rules and, the moment your child is out of bed and awake enough to understand you, communicate them to him/her. What is the day’s schedule? Where are you going? What behaviour is expected on drive there? How should he/she behave at the event? This is a great opportunity to explain that actions have consequences. If you behave well, we’ll stay for long. If you don’t behave well, we’ll have to leave early and you wouldn’t be able to explore all the fun activities at the party.

The Entrance. On arrival, before you get out of the car (or at the gate, before you honk) remind your child of the top 2 or 3 things they are most likely to forget. Remind your child that when it is time to leave, they have to get ready to leave or you will not be coming back here until they learn to behave better. This is not with you looking at them through your rear-view mirror. Take off your seat belt and turn around to face your child (if there are distractions outside and you decide to do this in the car). Or step out of the vehicle with your child, come down to their level (squat or kneel) and give eye contact. Then say in a low tone (Not baritone, just low): ‘I would like you to play nice, share, and when it’s time for us to go home, I do not want you crying and screaming. Okay?’ This is also a good time to remind your child of specific COVID protocols they need to observe.

The exit. Now to the tricky part: time to leave. I can’t count the number of parents I know who dread telling their children it is time to leave because of the tantrum that usually follows that news. Sometimes it feels like it would be better not attend an event at all, or attend without your child, than to have to deal with the but-I-don’t-want-to-go tantrum.

One of the things I learnt watching my four-going-on-forty year-old react any time we had to leave a place or fun activity was that, asking a child to suddenly leave an event or place they are enjoying, feels a lot like; I’m being treated this way because I’m smaller in size and younger so I don’t have a say. Children need a plan and time frame to work with. (Getting your child to be on the same page)

First thing is to keep checking on your child: ‘Jasmine, are you enjoying it here? Have you made any new friends? Have you tried the rocking horse yet?’ Your entire communication to your child at the event, playground or wherever else cannot only be limited to reminders on rules, instructions, time to go. (Who made you Compound Prefect please?😂) Loosen up, relax and enjoy your child. It’s not exams.😂

The next thing is timing. The best time to tell your child it is time to go, is actually BEFORE it is time to go (unless in the case of an emergency). Most parents wait till it is time to leave and the expect the child to cooperate like clockwork. Imagine if you had been saving going into the bouncy castle for later and then just when you were planning to jump in, you are told it is time to go? ‘Oh, so no bouncy castle? Tantrum it is. (If you can’t relate, think of your last khebab on the stick falling in sand just as you were about to eat it.)

Now Count down. Before it is actually time to leave, your child needs some heads up so he/she can start rounding up. Children may not necessarily be able to tell time on a clock but you will be surprised how well they understand a countdown.
Communicate when it’s 20 minutes to leaving time, ‘Jasmine, we will be leaving soon okay? In about 20 minutes. If there’s anything else you’d like to play with try to do that now before it’s time to go okay?’

When it’s 10 minutes to go: ‘Jas, 10 more minutes for us to leave. Start getting ready.’

When it is 5 minutes to go: We’re leaving in 5 minutes, Jas. Start packing up. ‘

One more minute: ‘Jasmine, let’s say ‘bye-bye’ to Kodwo. Say bye-bye to your friends.‘ Say your goodbyes too.

When you are actually leaving: ‘Jasmine, it is time to go. Did you say ‘bye’ to everyone already?‘ Then leave.  Try not to linger to finish a conversation when you have already gotten your child ready to leave. They may go back into play mode or I-want-to-stay-longer mode. If you can, continue the conversation you were having with your friend/family over the phone or later instead.

As you are getting into the car or when you get into the car: ‘Did you have fun? You behaved very well today, well done. Because you behaved well, we’ll come here again another time.‘ Remember to give lots of praise and encouragement using a high pitch and bubbly tone.

Over time, children begin to understand the process, and then it takes even less and less ‘heads-up notices’ for leaving events. You may gradually just need to start at 10 or 5 minutes and then count down from there.

All the best at your events this Holiday Season and beyond! Do share how it goes. 😊

Mummy, are we going to Kay’s house today?

No. You have homework to do.

I have homework to do?

Yes.

Why?

Because your teacher gave you homework.

My teacher gave me homework?

Yes.

Why?

To help you do well in school

To help me do well in school?

Yes.

Why?

Please I don’t know.

(*Pauses for 2 seconds….. then….*) Mummy can we go to Kay’s house to play?

No.

Why?

Me (thinking): *sigh* E-V-E-R-Y S-I-N-G-L-E time! Lord help me! *Face palm*

If at your job you were NEVER told your company’s dos and don’ts but you keep getting penalised every other day for doing one thing or the other, which you still had ABSOLUTELY NO idea about, would you still work there? Now you can imagine the confusion and frustration of a child who is called suddenly and punished, in the middle of what they consider play or regular behaviour.

Many parents, caregivers simply expect a child to know how to behave, and get frustrated or upset when children don’t. The truth is, even when children have been clearly informed of what they should and shouldn’t do, they may still test boundaries. Why? Well, it’s part of their character description…and also just because they can.

In my experience, I realised that communicating clearly to children, what your expectations of them are, goes a long way to guide them to better behaviour. Here are a few steps I’ve found useful over the years:

Begin by deciding and laying out household rules. What’s allowed? What’s not allowed? Can I be rude and get away with it? Can I hit you because I’m throwing a tantrum? Can I be mean to other children during play time? Am I allowed to play with electricity/fire?

Next, identify a correction (punishment) and reward system. Just like you may have different correction measures for a child, depending on what they did, you should have different rewards to encourage good behaviour. Try to stick with little simple rewards you can keep up with. I’ve found stickers to be loved by children of varying ages (and even some adults, lol). You could consider treats (bite-sized chocolate, low sugar gummies), fun activities (riding a bicycle), surprise presents (toys) or even trips to the playground.

After you decide on the rules, communicate them clearly to your child. You will be amazed at how much they understand. Explain which behaviours are acceptable and which ones are not. Ask your child if he/she has understood you. Ask the child to repeat some of the rules and describe some behaviour which are acceptable and unacceptable. Give an example and ask if that is good behaviour or bad behaviour, to be sure your child understands.

Now that your child understands the dos and don’ts, it’s time to explain the punishment and reward systems. Take your time to explain that there will be consequences for unacceptable behaviour, and little surprises for good behaviour. Communicate clearly what the punishment could be, but say the reward is a surprise. (Who doesn’t love surprises?) Be sure to give the reward as promised; keeping a surprise for too long will make them lose interest.

Remember, children will not just behave well just ‘because you said so’. They act based on their understanding and feelings… but then again, don’t we all?

All the best!