Since my first post, it’s been interesting how many people have reached out to share similar experiences or to send warm thoughts and hugs (even though this was a couple of years ago). I appreciate it and I’m glad we’re having this conversation. Like I said in my earlier post, real conversations are the ones we need to be having.…

It had been an awkward few seconds of me trying to stop crying so I could speak. It seemed the more I tried to stop crying, the more the tears kept coming. So I gave up on speaking and just bowed my head to let it all out instead. My boss sat in silence. She did not stop me, she did not touch me, she did not speak or ask what was wrong either. She just sat quietly and waited, allowing me to decide when I was ready.

After about a minute, I regained composure and began to speak. I was reluctant to disclose the details of everything that our family had been through so I kept it short and simple, but my boss could tell what was happening. She listened without interrupting, only nodding as I spoke. When I was done, she asked me a number of questions and then shared a few things with me. Honestly, I do not remember what she said verbatim, but I remember that she was right. I needed to accept reality to be able to face it. When she was done, I felt much better. I was glad she had reached out to help me.

In the days….weeks… months, that followed, things began to look brighter. Nothing had changed about the actual incidents that had put us all down, but everything had changed about how I perceived what was happening. I had a decision to make; either I stay in that place of denial and blaming everyone, including myself, OR shift my focus. I chose the latter. I was not sure how I was going to do it, but I wanted to try, for my wellbeing and that of my family. We needed to make some major changes as a family, and I started with me.

The first thing I had to work on was to come to terms with reality. For a long time, I had spent a lot of my energy on thoughts of ‘If only…’ and ‘Maybe, if we had(n’t)’… But now, I had learnt to say, ‘Okay, this happened. So, what? Can I do something about it?’ If I can, I will; If I can’t, I focus on the future, and let the past stay past. Better days were coming for us, I could feel it.

Then, I identified a source of strength and fell completely on that. For me, that was my Faith in God. It was not an easy thing for me to do because back then, I felt God was part of the problem. Why had He allowed us to go through all these things? I did not want to pray. I did not want to listen to sermons. I did not want to go to church, and I really did not want to respond to ‘Just checking on you‘ messages from church members who had not seen us in a while. Dark days, isolated place.

Eventually, I decided to go see my pastor for help. He had counseled me through many things and I felt he would understand. He acknowledged everything I shared, and took time to break things down for me, always referencing a Bible verse. He was ready to meet with me as often as I needed and checked on our family frequently. I was surprised he did not recommend fasting and prayers, but would talk to us, visit and spend time with us, send us gifts, whatever we needed. He never said it, but I knew he was staying up late hours, praying with us and for us (God bless this man for us oo🙌🏾).

Then, there was my drive and inspiration: Family. Back when I was in university, there were a lot of incidents of attempted suicide by students across various campuses, over relationship issues and poor grades. On a call with one of my sisters (whilst I was a second year student) back then, the topic had come up and I had told to her, I could understand what may have driven those students to think that suicide was the solution. My sister went quiet. Then, she said to me: “Awula, I want you to know that we all love you very much. And if ever a thought about suicide crossed your mind, please think about how the rest of us will never be able to live with ourselves again.” I had not been thinking of anything of the sort but it stuck with me from that moment, and even now. I thought of my husband, my son, my sisters, parents, and friends-turned-family. I knew I had their support to get through this phase.

I learnt in that season to focus on the solution from the angle of what change I could bring, instead of the problem and what could have been if it did not exist. That state of feeling stuck started to go away. I started to identify the things that actually mattered, and those that did not.

Once I shifted my focus, it was a lot easier to deal with the issues, one after the other. Many more things came up. Our family was still taking hits left, right, forward, centre, all over. But I had come to terms with it. This was our reality; I either live it or live in denial. As a lady I know says often: “Let’s call a spade a spade, and not an agricultural instrument.”

For me, my key takeaways from that season were how my boss handled the situation. She did not swoop in like a mother hen coming to the rescue of her chicks, even though helping people is her area of expertise. Rather, she helped me help myself out of that hole, by shifting my focus. I like how to date, my boss has NEVER asked me about it. Maybe because it started to reflect on the outside that I was actually fine. I appreciate that she did not let that moment define me. And if she didn’t, why should I? I appreciate my pastor who actually helped and did not ‘Bless-you-sister-I-am-praying-for-you‘ the situation. And then of course, my family, that drives and inspires me daily.

Well, all that happened 3 years ago. Today, I sit on the same couch my boss and I sat, helping people make sunny days a reality. If you see someone who needs help, help them. And whatever you may be dealing with, you do not have to go through it alone. Reach out, get help. It helps.

Until my next post, stay safe. All the best!

Okay, so maybe it was extreme sadness but it really got to me. This is a story I have kept to myself. Maybe I was too embarrassed to speak of it, maybe I just did not want to re-live it. And as a woman of faith, how do you explain this? But these things are real, and real conversations need to be had…

Whenever I thought of depression, I pictured someone crying and binging on junk food and Netflix, or laying in bed moping and being sad, sleep deprived, shutting everyone off or someone who needs pills and a therapist…… you know, all the things we see in movies. But awhat hit me, I feel was beyond extreme sadness…(Yes, I know you have to be diagnosed by a professional and all but…) and I didn’t even recognize it for what it was.

Somewhere in 2019, our family suffered a series of unfortunate incidents which, well did not break us but certainly left some very deep cracks and dents. My husband seemed fine on the outside but I could tell he just did not want to speak of it. We had just one child then; my boy, who was too young to understand what was going on. As for me, I was living in denial. It was difficult to come to terms with what we were going through, so I concealed my concerns with medium coverage foundation, eyebrow pencil and neutral colour lip gloss, and went about my business and conversations with everyone as though all was well. I buried myself in work and so on the surface, everything looked fine. But eventually, what was going on on the inside, started to reflect on the outside.

Interestingly, the first place someone suspected something may be wrong with me was at work; the place I was most consistent in my makeup application, but I guess concealer can only conceal so much.

Everyone who came by our office, had been commenting on my weight-loss and how I was trimming nicely. I had started that job after I had had my baby so no one there knew what my actual pre-pregnancy size was. Given the weight-loss trends on social media, it was easy to make it seem deliberate and claim ‘#FitnessGoals’. Everyone believed it…well almost everyone did, except for two of my boss’s friends who used to pass by our office frequently. Each time these ladies saw me, they would ask about my weight-loss and I would fake laugh and change the topic or walk away. My boss had been held up on an emergency outside the country. Unknown to me, they had informed her and asked her to check on me.

Later, when my boss returned to Ghana, and had been around a few weeks herself, she noticed I was not myself. She asked me about it. Again, I insisted I was fine. Then it happened.

One Wednesday morning, my husband dropped me off at work, as usual. Back then, we drove to work together because he worked close to my office. I would usually get off across from the building and then cross the road. I had the habit of checking the time each time my husband pulled up across the street. Then I would say to myself: “You have x hours, to make a difference here today.” It was my way of trying to stay productive and focusing on making myself relevant.

So that morning I checked the time as usual. 8am. Exactly on time. I usually got in before then but that day we pulled up at 8am. We said our goodbyes and ‘see you later‘, and then I got off, and my husband drove towards his office. For a road lined with so many residences, it was quite a busy street so I had a preferred spot to cross from. I walked there. Anywhere else and you would have to wait until a driver deliberately stops for you and also flags down the other cars for you. And so I stood there waiting to cross, trying hard not to focus on the many questions in my mind, or the pain in my heart…..

Next I heard was a car honking loudly. That startled me. I looked around. Where was I and why was I standing by the roadside? What time was it? What was I supposed to be doing? Why was the driver of the car looking at me funny? Had we met? He honked again. I looked directly at him. Then I recognised him. It was my boss’s driver. My boss was returning from an early morning meeting and they had stopped to allow me cross over to our office before they themselves would turn left into the premises. The window was rolled all the way down, and the driver’s arm was out, flagging down cars in the other lane so I could cross safely. I crossed on impulse and mechanically but I still had no idea what was going on, what year it was, who I was… I did not even recognise my boss in the backseat of the car. I just felt her face was familiar, but that was about it.

Once I got to the other side I stood confused at the gate. Fortunately, the driver was parked next to me and had already honked, waiting to be let in by security. I checked the time: 8:15am. Had I just spent 15 minutes standing blank at the roadside? The gate was opened and we entered, me; walking, they; driving. I did not say a word to anyone. I walked straight into the building and sat at my desk embarrassed, hoping they had not noticed I was disoriented.

Throughout the day that day, I kept checking my messages. My boss did not say much. She usually would send a number of messages on things she needed me to attend to urgently, but that day she did not say much. ‘She’s probably tired from her meeting and decided to rest’. I assumed.

Later that day, as I was rounding up, trying to finish whatever I could before the day ended, the office door opened. It was my boss.

“Naa, how are you doing?” She walked over to the couch and sat, typing on her phone.

“I’m fine, thank you. How are you too?” I was smiling, but only with my lips, and not my eyes. Then I joined her on the couch.

“I’m fine, but are you?”

“Oh yes please. Yes, I’m fine.”

She put her phone away and looked at me. “Are you sure? Because I’ve noticed you seem a bit distracted lately.”

“Oh no. Everything is fine. I am fine. There’s just a lot to do but I’m on it.” I said nodding, trying to convince myself I was okay, but I was far from it, and it showed a few seconds later.

“Okay. So this morning when we stopped for you to cross the road, were you aware you were standing by the roadside?”

Silence. I looked away.

“Naa, how long had you been standing there?”

I bowed my head. I still did not speak.

“No, Naa. I mean…”, she paused, “Are you okay?”

And then before I knew it, tears were running down my face. No, I was not okay.

….I’ll be sharing more on my dark days and how I got through them. Till my next post, stay safe. And if you’re going through anything tough, remember, you don’t have to do it alone. Talk to someone who will listen and can help. All the best!