Interestingly, I just got off the phone with my son’s school before writing this…a call I told myself I did not need to make, and yet…🤭🏃🏾‍♀️ (Missed the first part? Catch up here)

I cannot count the number of times I have been tempted to engage my child’s school to discuss one issue or the other. Sometimes from observations I have made, other times from my son’s account of what his school-day was like.  On many occasions, I have decided against it and successfully overlooked the issue. Other times I wait for the school to reach out to me on something else, and then at the end of the call or conversation, I take the opportunity to check on what I am not clear on. 😁

Many parents I know decide against contacting their child’s school if they have concerns because the assumption is that their child may be labelled negatively or it may affect the way they are treated by the teachers. But if your child’s school starts being hostile towards your child because you drew their attention to something, then maybe you should not have taken your child there to begin with. 👀

Recently, I heard about parents who had some concerns and decided to discuss it with the head of their child’s school. The conversation ended on a note of ‘If you do not like how we handle things here, you are free to withdraw your child but we will not be refunding any fees paid.’ I have also heard of some pretty extreme reactions from schools after the parents voiced out concerns on specific issues; from children being asked to sit out on lessons all day, to children being given mean names and then to teachers refusing to teach that particular child. (Who is regulating these places?🤔)

Even though our son’s school is very welcoming of parents’ views and keeps asking for feedback every now and then, I still hesitate to make that call. I ask myself:

• What exactly is the issue?
• Do I need to engage at all?
• Which things do I need to handle at the school level?
• Which ones can I address directly with my child?

I have learnt to pick and choose which things are absolute no-nos and which ones can be overlooked. By all means, address any concerns you may have but keep the purpose for your reaching out to the school, in mind.

Before you go to your child’s school to rain fire and brimstone, take a deep breath and calm down. Do not dial school line or drive over just yet. First make a decision on what the best way to approach the issue is. Determine whether you even need to talk to the school at all or if there is an alternative way to handle things. If you decide to talk to the school, allow a few hours or a day or two, if you are extremely upset, before you contact the school. Unless of course, it is health-related, in which case, it is an entirely different situation.

Direct your concerns to the appropriate authority. Should you be talking directly to the teacher, school administration or the Head. What is the school’s policy on how to handle concerns? Is your approach intended as a direct attack to the teacher? There was an incident I was told of where a parent directly walked to a class to confront a teacher over a text message communication. In reply to an earlier request from the parent, that teacher had sent a message asking the parent if she (the teacher) was on the parent’s payroll, and to ask why the parent had the impression that they (the parents) can instruct her (the teacher).

Aim at putting a message across and not an emotional display. Try to keep your emotions in check and focus on the actual issue that needs to be addressed. Are you Reacting (giving an emotional response) to the situation OR are you Responding (addressing the issue in a manner that brings a solution that actually works) to the situation?

When you see something positive, commend the school. Some parents only contact their child’s school when there’s an issue. Every time their child’s school hears from them (parents), it’s always complaints, lightning and thunder all over. 😂 It takes a lot of effort to cater to each child’s unique needs in a class of children of diverse personalities and backgrounds. So when you see something you like – progress in your child’s academics or whatever – just a message or an email is very encouraging to the school.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with addressing your concerns with your child’s school. You should not have to bear the uneasiness if you have concerns, but that does not mean you should constantly be ‘attacking’ the school. An approach can make or unmake a situation. Like I usually say: It’s usually not the WHAT but the HOW of the WHAT.

All the best. Stay safe

*Dusts off blog* A lot has changed since my last post: ‘BACK TO SCHOOL‘. In the past two weeks, I have been trying to find a balance in what has become my new routine. More on that later, but for now…

Back when I was in second grade (or class two, as it was called then), our teacher, when planning the class seating, would pair talkative students with quiet ones. I was not much of a talker back then (Why do you look surprised? 😏) so a classmate, who was known to tell jokes and goof quite a bit, was asked to be my sitting partner. He would usually randomly break into a narration about something that happened at home or with his older brother.

In Math class one day, my new sitting partner started talking as usual. Honestly, I was more attentive of the math lesson than what he was saying, and I ignored him. So when our teacher asked if anyone wanted to volunteer to solve the math problem she had written on the board, my hand was one of the first to shoot up. She looked around the classroom. There were many little palms waving excitedly in the air, hoping to be called so they could show how smart they were. The teacher called one of my classmates. She (my classmate) had been a bit distracted and so she was unable to solve the math problem.

My hand was still high up. “Me! Me! Me! Me!” I was flicking my little palm forwards and backwards to catch the teacher’s attention. The teacher looked in my direction, spotted my talking sitting partner and punished us both; him, for talking during the lesson, me, for ‘listening’. But that was the thing; I actually was not listening to him. Otherwise, I would not have had my hand up with so much enthusiasm, practically jumping in my seat, begging to be called to solve the math problem. I really cried that day and decided that I too would report my teacher to my mother, and she would query the teacher like the other parents used to do (fingers crossed). At least I hoped she would.

You see, my mother’s response to most complaints my early-years-self made to her was: “Don’t mind her (or him)”. So I decided I would need to ‘help’ her react differently. I made a plan to wait till my mother comes to pick me after school, then I’ll start crying all over again. (My mischievous little self😅). Well, there was no need to, because I actually cried the whole day till she came. When she arrived to pick me after school, I told her what happened and waited for her reaction. I thought, “Maybe, if I got lucky, she would handle things Robert’s (not his real name) mother’s style this time.“

Robert was my schoolmate whose mother did not hesitate to come to the school to ‘shake’ students and teachers alike. Yes, there were other parents who came to the school occasionally with one complaint or the other but Robert’s mother’s approach was fireworks, and quite frequent too. If there was a week she did not show up, that was the exception. If a fly so much as flew too close to Robert’s ear, she would be in the school causing a scene, even if that scene meant walking straight up to other students Robert reported to her for whatever, and scolding (Read as ‘confronting’) them. Of course the school had no idea because it was usually after hours, or it would not have ended well for her. Long story short, Robert eventually became that child that nobody wanted to interact with or play with for fear of being next in line for a ‘visit’ from his mother, for something you considered harmless play as a second-grader.

On multiple occasions where there has been an issue I would like to have a discussion with my child’s school about, I have asked myself: Am I Overreacting? Conversations I have had with other parents on this tells me I am not alone. One of the things that seems to keep coming back, even from people who have previously worked in education and early childhood development, is: “I don’t want to say anything so they don’t take it out on my child.” But does that mean parents cannot express any concerns or ask questions on anything at all just because they are concerned their child may pay the price?

Now older, and a mom myself, I can understand why my mother decided to focus on me and my being okay, instead of going to cause a scene at my school for every complaint. I will be sharing more on my interactions with my child’s school in my next post.

And oh, if you are wondering how my story in second grade ended with my mother, well her response was her usual: “Don’t mind her.” The entire fireworks expectation and the plan I had in mind fell in water. 🤣 🤣 🤣

All the best! Stay safe! Am I Overreacting? (II)

Happy New Year! Is it just me or 2022 seems to already have a lot of pressure and to-dos? Feels like this year, we had to hit the ground running. Anyway…

The holiday season is officially over (Don’t ask: ‘What about Constitution Day?’. 😏) Although most schools do not resume till next week, some schools are already back in session (no wonder it feels like the holiday traffic is just picking up from where it left off 😓). Returning to your pre-holiday routine and getting your child ready to go back to school is not as easy as wake them up, dress them up, drop them off. From making sure tuition fees are paid on time, to stocking up on school supplies and checking to make sure you got everything, the process can be quite stressful.

If your kids have been in full holiday mode, getting them to switch back to school mode can be challenging. As my ’40-year-old’ preschooler said during the holidays: “…we are having a party. Everybody is having a party!”. Well, the party is over and now it is time for serious business. But how do you make the switch without breaking down in the process? Here are a few things that work for me;

Talk it over. Have a conversation with your child and inform him/her that school is about to resume. Remind them of the routine for when school is in session, and what your expectations are; what you expect when it’s time to wake up, what you expect at bedtime, all of it.

Go back to your old ways. (I know how that sounds🤣🤭). Incorporate some things from your regular routine into your final days at home before school resumes. Breakfast time, wake up time, bedtime are a good start.

Bedtime. If you made any changes to bedtime like we did, it would be good to revert to bedtime for school nights to help them start to revert their sleep pattern to what it was before.

Include attention-building activities in their routine. If your child has had more screen time than usual during this season, now would be a good time to include more attention-building activities into their schedule and limit screen time significantly. Screen time tends to affect the attention span of children, leaving them distracted. Encourage time for some colouring, building blocks, counting, math practice, reading or writing practice (Am I the only one who had a different/ funny handwriting after every school break growing up?😂).

Plan meals. Having a plan for school lunch and dinner for the week can take off a lot of the pressure in your already busy schedule. You can make a list of easy-to-make meals and meal prep over the weekend.

Reminders. Remind your child about COVID safety protocols to observe whilst in school. This is also a good time to remind your child to play nice in school, listen to their teachers, try their hands at school work before they decide if it’s too challenging for them, and everything else.

Make a checklist. Make a list of everything that needs to be done or stocked up. Do a mental run through of what school mornings are like and confirm if you have everything needed for each stage; uniforms, socks, snacks, water bottle, everything.

Pray. Say a prayer for your child before you send them back to school. Any challenges from the previous term or semester, any blessing you have for them, or any behaviour you would like them to pick up or not exhibit, pray it. Speak it over their lives. Try to do this daily and watch them happen.

School reopening is good news for most parents but it can be stressful getting your child to adjust. The best time to get your child ready is well-ahead of reopening day. It’s a great thing there’s a holiday weekend coming up to allow enough time to switch things over and settle in.

Click on the link below to download my free Back-to-School Checklist. All the best! Happy Constitution Day!

Drama-free exit from events with children….. if that is even possible. 😅😅😅

The holidays are almost here. Invitations to events are probably already coming in and you may be trying to decide which ones to honour and which ones to decline. If your kids are anything like my energetic people then you are probably not particularly looking forward to family outings and events planned for children. Taking children out can sometimes be a drag. Not because you don’t enjoy being out with your kids but sometimes when you think of all the work involved…..😅😅😅

‘Oh let’s do something with the family this Christmas. Come with the boys’

‘Ananda is turning 5 and we’re having a party. Bring the children over.’

Simply said🙂. The actual process though😓:

Wake up. Convince the mini-mes to cooperate. It seems to be going well. Brush teeth, check. Breakfast, well a few moments of staring into space and doing nothing, but eventually, check. Bathe, check. Dressed and ready to go, ch-… “Wait. What’s that on your shirt? Why of all the times do you pick now to finger paint?” Wash hands. Change clothes check. Heading out. Sees bicycle. Decides to go and ride.

‘Leave the bike. Go and pee before we go.’

‘I don’t feel like it.’

Try at least.’

‘I don’t feel like it. Nothing is coming.’

You give up because you are running late. Everyone gets into the car. Everyone strapped in. Hit the road. Two seconds later: ‘Daddy, I want to pee.’

Eventually get to the event, late of course. You are tired. You manage to smile at your host and other guests. You settle in.

‘Mummy I want this. Daddy I want that.’ (😩) Someone is crying. Someone does not want to take turns. Someone is refusing to eat and you have ZERO plans of cooking at home after all this stress. It is time to go but someone has thrown himself or herself on the floor, refusing to leave. Oh boy! Maybe you should have just stayed home.

My husband and I have also had our share of dramatic exits with the: floor-rolling, screaming-crying antics when leaving events. But we found that, the problem is not just in the fact that it is time to go home, but the how of the leaving. So we came up with this process and so far, it is working:

Plan ahead. Try to think through what the day is likely to be like and then prepare. Pack whatever snacks, change of clothes, swimwear is going to be required. If eating a particular meal for breakfast or lunch is going to be messier or slower, switch it out for another. A hot chocolate certainly goes down quicker than cereal, for breakfast.

Lay ground rules and, the moment your child is out of bed and awake enough to understand you, communicate them to him/her. What is the day’s schedule? Where are you going? What behaviour is expected on drive there? How should he/she behave at the event? This is a great opportunity to explain that actions have consequences. If you behave well, we’ll stay for long. If you don’t behave well, we’ll have to leave early and you wouldn’t be able to explore all the fun activities at the party.

The Entrance. On arrival, before you get out of the car (or at the gate, before you honk) remind your child of the top 2 or 3 things they are most likely to forget. Remind your child that when it is time to leave, they have to get ready to leave or you will not be coming back here until they learn to behave better. This is not with you looking at them through your rear-view mirror. Take off your seat belt and turn around to face your child (if there are distractions outside and you decide to do this in the car). Or step out of the vehicle with your child, come down to their level (squat or kneel) and give eye contact. Then say in a low tone (Not baritone, just low): ‘I would like you to play nice, share, and when it’s time for us to go home, I do not want you crying and screaming. Okay?’ This is also a good time to remind your child of specific COVID protocols they need to observe.

The exit. Now to the tricky part: time to leave. I can’t count the number of parents I know who dread telling their children it is time to leave because of the tantrum that usually follows that news. Sometimes it feels like it would be better not attend an event at all, or attend without your child, than to have to deal with the but-I-don’t-want-to-go tantrum.

One of the things I learnt watching my four-going-on-forty year-old react any time we had to leave a place or fun activity was that, asking a child to suddenly leave an event or place they are enjoying, feels a lot like; I’m being treated this way because I’m smaller in size and younger so I don’t have a say. Children need a plan and time frame to work with. (Getting your child to be on the same page)

First thing is to keep checking on your child: ‘Jasmine, are you enjoying it here? Have you made any new friends? Have you tried the rocking horse yet?’ Your entire communication to your child at the event, playground or wherever else cannot only be limited to reminders on rules, instructions, time to go. (Who made you Compound Prefect please?😂) Loosen up, relax and enjoy your child. It’s not exams.😂

The next thing is timing. The best time to tell your child it is time to go, is actually BEFORE it is time to go (unless in the case of an emergency). Most parents wait till it is time to leave and the expect the child to cooperate like clockwork. Imagine if you had been saving going into the bouncy castle for later and then just when you were planning to jump in, you are told it is time to go? ‘Oh, so no bouncy castle? Tantrum it is. (If you can’t relate, think of your last khebab on the stick falling in sand just as you were about to eat it.)

Now Count down. Before it is actually time to leave, your child needs some heads up so he/she can start rounding up. Children may not necessarily be able to tell time on a clock but you will be surprised how well they understand a countdown.
Communicate when it’s 20 minutes to leaving time, ‘Jasmine, we will be leaving soon okay? In about 20 minutes. If there’s anything else you’d like to play with try to do that now before it’s time to go okay?’

When it’s 10 minutes to go: ‘Jas, 10 more minutes for us to leave. Start getting ready.’

When it is 5 minutes to go: We’re leaving in 5 minutes, Jas. Start packing up. ‘

One more minute: ‘Jasmine, let’s say ‘bye-bye’ to Kodwo. Say bye-bye to your friends.‘ Say your goodbyes too.

When you are actually leaving: ‘Jasmine, it is time to go. Did you say ‘bye’ to everyone already?‘ Then leave.  Try not to linger to finish a conversation when you have already gotten your child ready to leave. They may go back into play mode or I-want-to-stay-longer mode. If you can, continue the conversation you were having with your friend/family over the phone or later instead.

As you are getting into the car or when you get into the car: ‘Did you have fun? You behaved very well today, well done. Because you behaved well, we’ll come here again another time.‘ Remember to give lots of praise and encouragement using a high pitch and bubbly tone.

Over time, children begin to understand the process, and then it takes even less and less ‘heads-up notices’ for leaving events. You may gradually just need to start at 10 or 5 minutes and then count down from there.

All the best at your events this Holiday Season and beyond! Do share how it goes. 😊

Mummy, are we going to Kay’s house today?

No. You have homework to do.

I have homework to do?

Yes.

Why?

Because your teacher gave you homework.

My teacher gave me homework?

Yes.

Why?

To help you do well in school

To help me do well in school?

Yes.

Why?

Please I don’t know.

(*Pauses for 2 seconds….. then….*) Mummy can we go to Kay’s house to play?

No.

Why?

Me (thinking): *sigh* E-V-E-R-Y S-I-N-G-L-E time! Lord help me! *Face palm*

If at your job you were NEVER told your company’s dos and don’ts but you keep getting penalised every other day for doing one thing or the other, which you still had ABSOLUTELY NO idea about, would you still work there? Now you can imagine the confusion and frustration of a child who is called suddenly and punished, in the middle of what they consider play or regular behaviour.

Many parents, caregivers simply expect a child to know how to behave, and get frustrated or upset when children don’t. The truth is, even when children have been clearly informed of what they should and shouldn’t do, they may still test boundaries. Why? Well, it’s part of their character description…and also just because they can.

In my experience, I realised that communicating clearly to children, what your expectations of them are, goes a long way to guide them to better behaviour. Here are a few steps I’ve found useful over the years:

Begin by deciding and laying out household rules. What’s allowed? What’s not allowed? Can I be rude and get away with it? Can I hit you because I’m throwing a tantrum? Can I be mean to other children during play time? Am I allowed to play with electricity/fire?

Next, identify a correction (punishment) and reward system. Just like you may have different correction measures for a child, depending on what they did, you should have different rewards to encourage good behaviour. Try to stick with little simple rewards you can keep up with. I’ve found stickers to be loved by children of varying ages (and even some adults, lol). You could consider treats (bite-sized chocolate, low sugar gummies), fun activities (riding a bicycle), surprise presents (toys) or even trips to the playground.

After you decide on the rules, communicate them clearly to your child. You will be amazed at how much they understand. Explain which behaviours are acceptable and which ones are not. Ask your child if he/she has understood you. Ask the child to repeat some of the rules and describe some behaviour which are acceptable and unacceptable. Give an example and ask if that is good behaviour or bad behaviour, to be sure your child understands.

Now that your child understands the dos and don’ts, it’s time to explain the punishment and reward systems. Take your time to explain that there will be consequences for unacceptable behaviour, and little surprises for good behaviour. Communicate clearly what the punishment could be, but say the reward is a surprise. (Who doesn’t love surprises?) Be sure to give the reward as promised; keeping a surprise for too long will make them lose interest.

Remember, children will not just behave well just ‘because you said so’. They act based on their understanding and feelings… but then again, don’t we all?

All the best!