You’re Welcome-ish

So earlier this week I was listening to Pentatonix’s ‘Mary Did You Know?’ and it got me thinking: Did Mary really want the Shepherds and Three Wise men to visit when they did? If it were me, I’m not sure I would want people I didn’t know personally, to be the first to show up. I would probably have been asking for some privacy please. But not Mary. Mary, understood the assignment.

If the Christmas story had played out this year, I can only imagine how things would have gone. From the Heaven-Sent-themed Baby Shower to Mary’s friends and family calling to ask if she’s been discharged yet and/or when are the doctors are saying she’s likely to be discharged. Some would also be doing the: ‘Did you have a C-section or not?’, ‘What was his birth weight?’, ‘How many hours of labour?’ Others would have been doing the ‘I knew it was a boy, I knew it! She was carrying high. ‘ As for me, I probably would have been ‘Quiz Mistress’ for the games at the Baby shower. 😅

When I had my son, we had to stay in the hospital for almost a week because he was going through phototherapy for neonatal jaundice. It was quite a stressful time because it had taken a while for my baby to start responding to the treatment and he did not particularly enjoy being under the blue light. By the time we were allowed to go home, I was sick of being in the hospital (pun intended), and could not wait to leave. When we were eventually discharged, it was already evening because our test results had taken a while to come back from the lab.

My husband and I had decided we would not need anyone to stay with us to help with bathing and caring for the baby, so it was just us at the time. We made a stop from the hospital to grab takeout and then headed home. We were home a little after 9pm but by the time we settled in to sleep eventually, it was well after 10pm. We would wake up, feed, burp, sleep, repeat. We were all tired and sleepy (baby inclusive) but we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Around 8am the next day, my mother arrived with tons of food and groceries. We had discussed with her (ahead of delivery) to bring us food for the first few days/weeks and she didn’t disappoint. She made us green salad and fresh juice (and guys, you need to taste my mom’s fresh fruit juices). She had brought soup and stew too 😋 (God bless this woman for me oo). My husband had an urgent situation at work he needed to resolve so he had to go. My baby was fed and asleep in his cot. I was supposed to go and shower but my mother was updating me on some drama that had happened and I was enjoying every detail. (If you think I give the most dramatic and descriptive narrations, you should meet my mother 😂). After hours of saying multiple times, ‘Oh this time, I’m really leaving to go and bathe‘, only to return and ask my mother ‘And then what happened?’, I eventually left the kitchen to take that long overdue shower.

Out of the shower, I thought of the story my mom had been telling me. I had questions. I would go back and ask her. But first let me sleep a bit before baby wakes up. I was so deep in my thoughts that I nearly missed the sound of the car engine outside. I paused. My husband had said he was just sorting out one thing and would be back but this was way quicker than I had expected. I looked outside. That’s not his car. Who did my mom just let in? Unfortunately one of our front windows was directly to the bedroom so if they looked in that (my) direction, na wa (trouble) for me oo. I dropped to the floor quickly and literally crawled to the window, drew the curtains closed, leaving only a tiny crack to peek outside. It was my husband’s parents coming to surprise visit. 🙆🏽‍♀️

Well this was awkward. My mother had assumed I knew they were coming and came to my door to let me know they were in. I actually did not know they were coming. In fact my husband and I had spoken to them that morning and the way they kept asking about whether I was staying at my mother’s or not, we had asked if they were planning a visit. They said ‘No‘. So I had gone about my business ‘feeling free’ at home and now ‘Surprise!’ I was tired, in pain, my feet were so swollen and they sounded like water balloons slushing when I walked. I wanted to stay wrapped in my towel for a long as I could. Now we had company and I would have to dress. Sigh.

To make things more awkward, I had nothing presentable to wear. I had stayed in the hospital too long and had literally just gotten home and was now settling. My extended hospital-stay also meant my husband had had to bring me more clothes from home so most of my clothes were in the laundry. I had been home for a little over half a day or so, so no, I had not done any laundry. And when my mom came, our focus had been what to eat and not laundry. I did not have anything that fit because I still had a small bump. (No, I did not invest in much maternity clothing.😅🤭).

Anything else I had, needed to be ironed. That meant I would have to walk past them in a towel to get to the ironing area to do that. My husband was not back to help me with that. And my mom was busy keeping them company, so she had no idea what was going on inside with me. Wahala for who no get wash-and-wear clothes oo 😅. Maybe if I had had a cloak of invisibility to walk past them for the iron at least. 🤣

Eventually, I wore one of my clothes from the hospital. It was also the same dress I had been wearing when they visited in the hospital. I had worn that dress so much it was like motherhood uniform. And to make things worse, it needed to be washed. I was so uncomfortable! I made my way to the hall. I paused behind the corridor door, took in a deep breath, managed a smile and walked into the hall with the ‘Ei, you’re all here!’ look. That visit lasted 4 hours….😔

Babies and birth announcements have a way of making people so excited they sometimes even forget that the baby is not going anywhere anytime soon. So for most of us we get lost in all the ‘Oh baby!’ and rush to visit, forgetting that when a baby is born, a mother is also born. It is a beautiful thing to have a community that wants to support you on your journey. But if we could take things slow and easy, we may find that sometimes the help that is needed is not the running around, jumping in and activating superhero mode to save the day. You will be surprised how many parents actually do know what they are doing when the baby comes, and yes, even first-time parents!

Here are a few things I have learnt about how to handle birth announcements:

If you must call immediately, call Daddy, Grandma, Sister or birth partner, not mummy. New mothers need to rest as much as possible and that vibrating phone may disrupt that. If she’s awake and able to talk, you can ask to speak to her. But please let her rest. She will need it for the sleepless nights (and days) ahead.

It is not your news to share. A birth announcement is not a journalism or breaking news competition. Allow the parents to decide who they want to tell and when. The people you tell may also want to call them immediately out of excitement. Goodbye Mummy’s rest time👋🏾🤦🏾‍♀️. Confirm if they are okay with you sharing with specific people. Your inner core is not necessarily their inner core.

Wait to be invited or ask them to let you know when they are ready for visits. Please do not show up unannounced. I know someone who walked right past friends who visited her unannounced, when she had just returned from the hospital, and headed straight for bed. Yeah, real awkward.

Offer help and offer to bring anything they need. Is there anything they need? Food? Something they need from the shop? Ask and see if that is something you are able to help with.

Keep it short. Try to be brief with the visit. You can visit for longer later, when they are ready. Talk less. Congratulate them. Give blessings and LEAVE, unless the new parents want you to sit and wait with them. If you notice that even the nurses are giving you sideways glances, that is your cue to G-O.

Try not to make it about you. This is not the time to judge their choices or make everything about you. Allow the parents to have their moment and enjoy it. You can talk about yourself later.

Observe COVID safety protocols. Cuddles and snuggles are warm but do you really want to risk making a newborn unwell? The baby is now building their immune system. If you do not feel well, even if it is not a cough or cold, wait till you are fully recovered. The baby will wait, don’t worry.

Allow them to settle and develop a routine. Respect their space and privacy. If they are not ready for visitors, allow them to settle. It does not mean they do not love you. If no one is answering their phone, leave a message. They will get back to you when they can.

Above all, just check with the new parents how they want things to be. Some people actually enjoy having people pop in unannounced and stay long, depending on their relationship with them. But do not just assume ‘Oh, we go way back. We’re cool like that.’, when visiting people who just had a baby. When you were ‘cool like that’, had they just had a newborn? 😏

And as for those who like kissing people’s babies, holding babies’ hands, putting babies’ fingers in their mouth…*sigh* unless deliverance please. 🙆🏽‍♀️🤣

Enjoy these final moments of the year. See you on the other side! Ciao!🤗