I was depressed and didn’t even know it? (I)

Okay, so maybe it was extreme sadness but it really got to me. This is a story I have kept to myself. Maybe I was too embarrassed to speak of it, maybe I just did not want to re-live it. And as a woman of faith, how do you explain this? But these things are real, and real conversations need to be had…

Whenever I thought of depression, I pictured someone crying and binging on junk food and Netflix, or laying in bed moping and being sad, sleep deprived, shutting everyone off or someone who needs pills and a therapist…… you know, all the things we see in movies. But awhat hit me, I feel was beyond extreme sadness…(Yes, I know you have to be diagnosed by a professional and all but…) and I didn’t even recognize it for what it was.

Somewhere in 2019, our family suffered a series of unfortunate incidents which, well did not break us but certainly left some very deep cracks and dents. My husband seemed fine on the outside but I could tell he just did not want to speak of it. We had just one child then; my boy, who was too young to understand what was going on. As for me, I was living in denial. It was difficult to come to terms with what we were going through, so I concealed my concerns with medium coverage foundation, eyebrow pencil and neutral colour lip gloss, and went about my business and conversations with everyone as though all was well. I buried myself in work and so on the surface, everything looked fine. But eventually, what was going on on the inside, started to reflect on the outside.

Interestingly, the first place someone suspected something may be wrong with me was at work; the place I was most consistent in my makeup application, but I guess concealer can only conceal so much.

Everyone who came by our office, had been commenting on my weight-loss and how I was trimming nicely. I had started that job after I had had my baby so no one there knew what my actual pre-pregnancy size was. Given the weight-loss trends on social media, it was easy to make it seem deliberate and claim ‘#FitnessGoals’. Everyone believed it…well almost everyone did, except for two of my boss’s friends who used to pass by our office frequently. Each time these ladies saw me, they would ask about my weight-loss and I would fake laugh and change the topic or walk away. My boss had been held up on an emergency outside the country. Unknown to me, they had informed her and asked her to check on me.

Later, when my boss returned to Ghana, and had been around a few weeks herself, she noticed I was not myself. She asked me about it. Again, I insisted I was fine. Then it happened.

One Wednesday morning, my husband dropped me off at work, as usual. Back then, we drove to work together because he worked close to my office. I would usually get off across from the building and then cross the road. I had the habit of checking the time each time my husband pulled up across the street. Then I would say to myself: “You have x hours, to make a difference here today.” It was my way of trying to stay productive and focusing on making myself relevant.

So that morning I checked the time as usual. 8am. Exactly on time. I usually got in before then but that day we pulled up at 8am. We said our goodbyes and ‘see you later‘, and then I got off, and my husband drove towards his office. For a road lined with so many residences, it was quite a busy street so I had a preferred spot to cross from. I walked there. Anywhere else and you would have to wait until a driver deliberately stops for you and also flags down the other cars for you. And so I stood there waiting to cross, trying hard not to focus on the many questions in my mind, or the pain in my heart…..

Next I heard was a car honking loudly. That startled me. I looked around. Where was I and why was I standing by the roadside? What time was it? What was I supposed to be doing? Why was the driver of the car looking at me funny? Had we met? He honked again. I looked directly at him. Then I recognised him. It was my boss’s driver. My boss was returning from an early morning meeting and they had stopped to allow me cross over to our office before they themselves would turn left into the premises. The window was rolled all the way down, and the driver’s arm was out, flagging down cars in the other lane so I could cross safely. I crossed on impulse and mechanically but I still had no idea what was going on, what year it was, who I was… I did not even recognise my boss in the backseat of the car. I just felt her face was familiar, but that was about it.

Once I got to the other side I stood confused at the gate. Fortunately, the driver was parked next to me and had already honked, waiting to be let in by security. I checked the time: 8:15am. Had I just spent 15 minutes standing blank at the roadside? The gate was opened and we entered, me; walking, they; driving. I did not say a word to anyone. I walked straight into the building and sat at my desk embarrassed, hoping they had not noticed I was disoriented.

Throughout the day that day, I kept checking my messages. My boss did not say much. She usually would send a number of messages on things she needed me to attend to urgently, but that day she did not say much. ‘She’s probably tired from her meeting and decided to rest’. I assumed.

Later that day, as I was rounding up, trying to finish whatever I could before the day ended, the office door opened. It was my boss.

“Naa, how are you doing?” She walked over to the couch and sat, typing on her phone.

“I’m fine, thank you. How are you too?” I was smiling, but only with my lips, and not my eyes. Then I joined her on the couch.

“I’m fine, but are you?”

“Oh yes please. Yes, I’m fine.”

She put her phone away and looked at me. “Are you sure? Because I’ve noticed you seem a bit distracted lately.”

“Oh no. Everything is fine. I am fine. There’s just a lot to do but I’m on it.” I said nodding, trying to convince myself I was okay, but I was far from it, and it showed a few seconds later.

“Okay. So this morning when we stopped for you to cross the road, were you aware you were standing by the roadside?”

Silence. I looked away.

“Naa, how long had you been standing there?”

I bowed my head. I still did not speak.

“No, Naa. I mean…”, she paused, “Are you okay?”

And then before I knew it, tears were running down my face. No, I was not okay.

….I’ll be sharing more on my dark days and how I got through them. Till my next post, stay safe. And if you’re going through anything tough, remember, you don’t have to do it alone. Talk to someone who will listen and can help. All the best!