I was depressed and didn’t even know it? (II)

Since my first post, it’s been interesting how many people have reached out to share similar experiences or to send warm thoughts and hugs (even though this was a couple of years ago). I appreciate it and I’m glad we’re having this conversation. Like I said in my earlier post, real conversations are the ones we need to be having.…

It had been an awkward few seconds of me trying to stop crying so I could speak. It seemed the more I tried to stop crying, the more the tears kept coming. So I gave up on speaking and just bowed my head to let it all out instead. My boss sat in silence. She did not stop me, she did not touch me, she did not speak or ask what was wrong either. She just sat quietly and waited, allowing me to decide when I was ready.

After about a minute, I regained composure and began to speak. I was reluctant to disclose the details of everything that our family had been through so I kept it short and simple, but my boss could tell what was happening. She listened without interrupting, only nodding as I spoke. When I was done, she asked me a number of questions and then shared a few things with me. Honestly, I do not remember what she said verbatim, but I remember that she was right. I needed to accept reality to be able to face it. When she was done, I felt much better. I was glad she had reached out to help me.

In the days….weeks… months, that followed, things began to look brighter. Nothing had changed about the actual incidents that had put us all down, but everything had changed about how I perceived what was happening. I had a decision to make; either I stay in that place of denial and blaming everyone, including myself, OR shift my focus. I chose the latter. I was not sure how I was going to do it, but I wanted to try, for my wellbeing and that of my family. We needed to make some major changes as a family, and I started with me.

The first thing I had to work on was to come to terms with reality. For a long time, I had spent a lot of my energy on thoughts of ‘If only…’ and ‘Maybe, if we had(n’t)’… But now, I had learnt to say, ‘Okay, this happened. So, what? Can I do something about it?’ If I can, I will; If I can’t, I focus on the future, and let the past stay past. Better days were coming for us, I could feel it.

Then, I identified a source of strength and fell completely on that. For me, that was my Faith in God. It was not an easy thing for me to do because back then, I felt God was part of the problem. Why had He allowed us to go through all these things? I did not want to pray. I did not want to listen to sermons. I did not want to go to church, and I really did not want to respond to ‘Just checking on you‘ messages from church members who had not seen us in a while. Dark days, isolated place.

Eventually, I decided to go see my pastor for help. He had counseled me through many things and I felt he would understand. He acknowledged everything I shared, and took time to break things down for me, always referencing a Bible verse. He was ready to meet with me as often as I needed and checked on our family frequently. I was surprised he did not recommend fasting and prayers, but would talk to us, visit and spend time with us, send us gifts, whatever we needed. He never said it, but I knew he was staying up late hours, praying with us and for us (God bless this man for us oo🙌🏾).

Then, there was my drive and inspiration: Family. Back when I was in university, there were a lot of incidents of attempted suicide by students across various campuses, over relationship issues and poor grades. On a call with one of my sisters (whilst I was a second year student) back then, the topic had come up and I had told to her, I could understand what may have driven those students to think that suicide was the solution. My sister went quiet. Then, she said to me: “Awula, I want you to know that we all love you very much. And if ever a thought about suicide crossed your mind, please think about how the rest of us will never be able to live with ourselves again.” I had not been thinking of anything of the sort but it stuck with me from that moment, and even now. I thought of my husband, my son, my sisters, parents, and friends-turned-family. I knew I had their support to get through this phase.

I learnt in that season to focus on the solution from the angle of what change I could bring, instead of the problem and what could have been if it did not exist. That state of feeling stuck started to go away. I started to identify the things that actually mattered, and those that did not.

Once I shifted my focus, it was a lot easier to deal with the issues, one after the other. Many more things came up. Our family was still taking hits left, right, forward, centre, all over. But I had come to terms with it. This was our reality; I either live it or live in denial. As a lady I know says often: “Let’s call a spade a spade, and not an agricultural instrument.”

For me, my key takeaways from that season were how my boss handled the situation. She did not swoop in like a mother hen coming to the rescue of her chicks, even though helping people is her area of expertise. Rather, she helped me help myself out of that hole, by shifting my focus. I like how to date, my boss has NEVER asked me about it. Maybe because it started to reflect on the outside that I was actually fine. I appreciate that she did not let that moment define me. And if she didn’t, why should I? I appreciate my pastor who actually helped and did not ‘Bless-you-sister-I-am-praying-for-you‘ the situation. And then of course, my family, that drives and inspires me daily.

Well, all that happened 3 years ago. Today, I sit on the same couch my boss and I sat, helping people make sunny days a reality. If you see someone who needs help, help them. And whatever you may be dealing with, you do not have to go through it alone. Reach out, get help. It helps.

Until my next post, stay safe. All the best!